Ship

I bet not all of you know the story of the ship painting, am I right? It's very large, this painting. And full of ships. Ships firing cannons at one another and burning. Also, do you think we have enough fishing poles?  No? Oh, don't worry, that's only some of them. Anyway, back to the ship painting: it made the trek over to the new house last night. I had high hopes that it was going into the Goodwill pile, but no such luck. Since I guess it's here to stay, I thought it would be fun to revisit the story of its genesis, circa 2008/2009:

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Will someone please poke me in the eye with a sharp stick?

Please, I beg of you! Someone, anyone? Lloyd is buying 'art'. Yeah, yeah, yeah, blindness is no joke, blah blah blah. My apologies to all the blind people reading my oh-so-popular blog. Now, if I may continue. Lloyd and I have TOTALLY different tastes in, well, everything. We never, ever like the same furniture, housewares, decorative items, clothes or anything else. Marital fealty prevents me from fully exploring my true feelings about Lloyd's taste in art here, so let's just let Lloyd's own words speak for themselves.

But first, a little background: Lloyd has commissioned a local artist to paint a picture of an epic naval battle, circa 1700's. He has been down at the gallery at least twice a week, giving direction: A little more tattering on the sail, please, and there's not quite enough orange in the cannon fire, and so on. The artist doesn't seem to be annoyed by this, but I guess when you are a big-shot art patron paying over a hundred smackers for a custom piece, the sky's the limit, right?

A word about the gallery- outside, as advertising, they show paintings done from photos. The paintings remind me of the 'King of Queens' episode where Deacon and Kelly give Doug and Carrie a hideous painting of themselves (Doug and Carrie, that is) for their anniversary. Doug's teeth are huge, and Carrie's arm is freakishly misshapen. Doug and Carrie hate it so much that they stage a robbery to get rid of it.

And now, here's Lloyd:

"The artist used to paint in New York and he said this size painting would sell for $19,000!" So I guess we're getting a real bargain. I didn't know paintings were sold by the square inch. 

"I told him that it had to be just right because we're going to hang it in a place of honor and pass it down from generation to generation!" Forget the sharp stick; just put me out of my misery entirely.

And, the absolute worst, the one that sent chills down my spine: "I'm going to get him to do another one, this one of a New England scene!" When I suggested maybe we get a New England scene from a New England artist, he said, "But do you know how much that would cost?" Umm, no, let me get out my measuring tape and calculator and figure it out!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

The masterpiece has arrived

Lloyd picked up his painting today from the shop. I'm not sure when the big unveiling will be but I am all aquiver with anticipation. I will put up a picture as soon as possible. In the meantime, this photo is of the very alarming painting outside the gallery. Is it just me, or does the woman look like she has a combined shoulder and elbow, or shelbow, if you will?

Monday, July 21, 2008

The moment you've all been waiting for....

Without further ado, here is the painting. I have to say, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. It is, however, very large. And, we discovered it does not have one of the agreed-upon modifications: a third ship, smoldering and foundering in the background. I'm not sure if Lloyd plans to take it back for alterations (revisions? restroking? insertions? Not sure of the correct terminology, or if such terminology exists). Also, we do not have the necessary hardware to hang it on the wall. So for now, it has found a happy home in the laundry room, propped up by a gallon of antifreeze. Hehehehehe.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Sunday

Here are some photos of Shane playing in a box that came in the mail from Grandma the other day. Weston went to Vacation Bible School this morning at church. He had a good time, though he didn't want to go beforehand. Lloyd stopped on the way home to check on his painting. It has the third ship burning in the background now, but the smoke is not quite right; it should be drifting with the wind and not going straight up into the sky. I'm pretty sure I could have learned some Korean swear words today if I had been paying attention, but they were hard to make out through the gritting-teeth smile.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Bad Penny Turns Up, and it has a friend

Well, it was inevitable. You may recall that Lloyd had taken his painting back to the shop for modifications. If you're unfamiliar with the painting saga, you can read about it here, here and here. Yesterday, we had a sitter so we went downtown for lunch. After a delicious meal of hot shredded beef soup, bibimbap and kimchi dumplings, Lloyd said, 'Hey! Let's go check on my painting!' I died a little inside, but I pasted a smile on my face and off we went to the 'Blue Boy Gallery'. The painting was done, and Lloyd was very pleased with it. The smoke is apparently just right now. I asked him how he was going to bring it home, because it's quite large (and valuable!) and we were on foot. He said, 'Oh, I'm just going to wait until the other one is done and get them at the same time." My head spun, I blacked out just a little, and everything started moving in slow motion. I understand that's a common reaction to shocking and traumatic incidents, like car accidents or when you fall through the ceiling. Not that I would know. Anyway, I said, 'Whaaaaaa?', and Lloyd pointed to an easel where a small canvas rested. Clearly visible were the outlines of the two ships, and it was obvious even in my discombobulation that there will soon be another, similar painting released into an unprepared world. If you're getting a little nervous, I totally understand, but you can rest easy. It turns out that his mother admired the painting, and so he is having a similar, smaller one done for her. Whew.

Cue the Spooky Music

Well, my friends, the day has come. The paintings are back from the shop, propped up in the bedroom, awaiting the unwrapping. They don't look so bad with that pretty paper covering them up, do they? If only the paper could remain... But no, I mustn't give myself false hope. Fear not, I do have options: I can always throw myself to the badgers.

If you are not familiar with the sad saga of the paintings, you can read about it here, here,
here and here. Then you can send your condolences to storiesfromkorea@gmail.com.

So! That's the epic beginning of the infamous painting. I'm still plotting its ending. The Goodwill thing didn't work out for me, SO FAR, but I'm a resourceful girl.....

Fork!

So, how was YOUR day? I am getting mixed reports from all my friends. One reports that her teenager locked his keys in his running car for the second day in a row, her dog chewed up her phone, and her own car wouldn't start. Another friend, on the other hand, enjoyed a close-up view of a bunch of otters playing in the wild.

As for me, hmmmmmm......... my day at work had its usual ups and downs. Trust me, you don't want to hear about them. When I got home, I discovered that Weston can multiply two three digit numbers together and Shane can do front walkovers. Then I had to go to the dreaded swimming lessons, followed by a stop at the store for wine and various other necessities. Sadly, my shopping skills were severely degraded because I was doing what I like to call multi-tasking but what you might call gossiping or chitchatting. In fact, I was busily receiving the all-important daily reports about poodles and otters from my pals and as a result I neglected to bring home the most important bag: the one with the wine and breakfasting supplies for my two small children. One can't go without wine, now can one? Well, maybe another one can, but not this one. In any case, I had to trek back to the store, most definitely a forkable moment.

Oh, wait, I bet you don't know about the fork rating system yet. You will, though, because everyone definitely needs to read about it. It was invented by Leah, one of my most stunning, brilliant and funny friends from Korea. She is writing a new guest blog at girlfriendology.com, so please go check it out; you won't be sorry! Comments would be greatly appreciated, so let her know what you think. Maybe even share your own fork story! She also has some fantastic advice for when your friends are having those fork-worthy days. It might surprise you, or not, to know that she highly recommends chocolates and margaritas. You can adapt her system to your own needs, though. For example, say your friend goes shopping and accidentally leaves her wine at the store. I'm pretty sure you know how to help her. Want to come over?? Please? And don't forget the chocolates! Good night, my friends, I hope your day was great, wherever you are!

2011

**** updated to add: there is a duck in my backyard. I am not even kidding. Does it not recognize the danger it's in, just traipsing around willy-nilly in suburban back yards? I thought wild animals were supposed to be wily. The jokes are just boiling over right now, dying to come out, but I have already promised Ina, as you can see below. Curses!

It's the very last day of 2011, can you believe it? I was just looking for last year's 'Goodbye, 2010, I Hate You with an Unending Passion' post so I could compare, but I guess I hated 2010 so much that I didn't write one. It seems unlike me, but I guess you never know what wacky thing I might do, or not do, next. Oh well, it's probably better; who needs to read a bunch of dreariness from the past when we can look to the future and talk about delicious squirrels or similar? For example, look at the picture of my backyard this morning! See all those beautiful, tender birds??? The bite-sized ones are best, I hear.

Naturally, though, I can't do a New Year's post without remembering the best New Year's Eve ever, when Janelle's washing machine caught fire and her cat saved their entire family. I didn't write the part about the cat before, but it's 100% true. Because she has multiple small children, her washing machine is always running, including in the middle of the night on New Year's Eve. They turned on the 6,583rd load of the day, shut the cats in the laundry room and went to bed. Pretty soon, they were awakened by Speedy's unholy yowling and frantic scratching. It could have been because he was choking to death on the belching black smoke but I prefer to think he was thinking only of his loving family. And that, C Mike, is why we don't eat cats.

Let's see, what else? I would keep going on the dog/squirrel/cat/bird eating theme, only Aunt Ina wrote me a note yesterday and told me I was very gross. I guess she's kind of squeamish. Also, she is one of those people that feeds the squirrels in her back yard. I'm not kidding, she has at least three feeders and she goes through sunflower seeds and peanuts like I go through wine. So Happy New Year, Ina! I will try to not gross you out for at least a month.

I hope you all have a fantastic New Year's Eve and a great start to 2012 tomorrow. I don't have any big plans to go out and drink too much and get in a ridiculous fight with friends or family members, because I can do that without leaving my house. It's much cheaper and more convenient that way, plus I don't have to wear spanx and lipstick. I'm practical that way. But tomorrow, I plan on making the most of the traditional New Year's Day thrift store shopping spree. All of a sudden, I have a compelling need for some very small saute pans. Happy New Year, y'all!

Orange

Orange you glad I'm posting today? Yuk, yuk. I had quite the exciting day, and I know you are DYING to hear all about it. It had its ups and downs, of course, but I'm just going to hit the ups. Well, that might be a lie. I will probably come back to some of the downs later, because let's face it, those are much more entertaining.

I went suitcase shopping today, at a store that sells unused goods. I had been looking at Goodwill for quite a while and didn't see what I wanted so I had to suck it up. Sometimes you can't have what you want, you know. Annoying beyond words, but true. I have had a luggage deficiency for quite a while, ever since Lloyd marked up my beloved LLBean rolling duffle bags. I snapped up two of those babies at the Osan thrift store. I don't think I posted about them when I found them because I thought y'all would be jealous. They look like this only they are covered in very loud orange flowers. They still work fine, it's just that Lloyd wrote on them in permanent marker for a NEO exercise. For those of you fortunate enough to not know what that means, it stands for non-combatant evacuation operations. While in Korea, all the spouses had to participate in NEO exercises every six months. We were required to pack up all our documents, evacuation gear, gas masks and etc. and present it for inspection and practice actually turning in our house and car keys and becoming refugees. You know, just in case the evil communist dictatorship a mere 60 miles to the north that might or might not possess a nuclear arsenal appeared to be a little more threatening than usual. Naturally, we all got hammered on margaritas first, so that worked out well. Lloyd, being helpful, wrote my name and NEO in big letters on the bags with a giant sharpie, and I have considered them ruined ever since. I might forgive him someday soon.

I recklessly purchased myself two new suitcases, and then went thrifting with my sister. I totally hit the jackpot, too. Among other things, ORANGE PANTS! Now, I love orange. You all know that, right? But I especially love orange pants and I haven't had any for a long time. Interestingly (to me!) my last pair is memorialized on Stories From Korea, from the day I bought them along with the most awesome coat ever, to the day they split right up the middle in the library. My new pants are quite fabulous but it probably wouldn't hurt me to run around the block a few times before I sport them at the office Christmas party. Oh hell, who am I kidding? As long as there is room in the pockets for my wine bag I'm golden.

Also today, for the first time in a long time, I was asked for breastfeeding advice. I'm a little rusty, since Shane gave up the boob earlier this year in exchange for a Nerf gun, but I did my best, and it made me remember with joy and pleasure the Osan BF support group days. While I was looking for my orange pants posts, I found this one with a nursing picture that I love. Wanna hear something funny? I was pretty hesitant to post that picture originally. Now I don't know why, it seems like so long ago, and who cares? It's hard to remember just how small that base is. I miss you all!

Huh, you know what? I have absolutely no desire to go into the downs. I'm off on another trip this week, so it might be a few days-have a great week! I love you guys.

Skirt Report

I know you've all been waiting breathlessly for the skirt report. It appears that the skirt is neither a good luck nor a bad luck item of apparel. I did get several compliments on its sassiness, so that makes it a win. I know you want a picture, Helen, but I am pretty lazy and didn't get it done. As much as I would appreciate some extra good luck, I guess I can't complain about clothes that are neutral in the providence department.

The chili is done. It's called 'Deer Me, it's Delicious! chili, and it's a surefire winner. I did get an unusual and unsolicited cooking tip- I was advised to liven it up with a can of Copenhagen. I was intrigued, but managed to resist. Also, doesn't a can of chew cost like four thousand dollars these days? I can't afford that, because I already spent the $867 per pound for the free venison. It does have several of my own top secret ingredients, though. I'm willing to spill if you promise not to tell anyone: chicory coffee, cocoa powder, and bloody mary mix. I also considered some actual coffee grounds, for texture, but decided to skip it this time.

Right now, the chili is resting comfortably in the car. Don't worry, it's going to be COLD tonight, so the chances of food poisoning are low. It takes some serious salmonella to overcome the kidney bean toxins, anyway. I'm going to tote it back and forth to the cook-off venue in my Osan shopping cart. I hauled that thing out of the garage and it still had a commissary receipt crumpled up in the bottom. I will admit to a tiny pang. But just one. The cart is the perfect size for my two giant vats of chili stacked on top of each other, and the purse basket is just right for the pancake cooking griddle. I'm not sure people in my office will have the proper appreciation for the hard-working cart, though. If someone mocks the cart I will probably have to punch him in the face, and then force feed him some kidney beans with salmonella sauce.

So that's it for today! I'll let you know how the cook-off goes! I'm going to wear a cowboy hat and everything, how can I possibly lose?

Stop the Presses

Stop the presses, people! I am going to wear a skirt to work tomorrow. 'WHAT??' I'm sure I can hear you gasping. Yes, it's true and I'll tell you why. Mostly because I have been stuffing my face and my pants are pinchy and I couldn't find anything good at the Goodwill today, so I had to go closet shopping. I found a flippy skirt that I hadn't worn since the day I got shafted at Osan and tried it on. Luckily, it still fit so I twirled it around and asked Shane what he thought. He said, 'Mama, you look FABULOUS! Like a diarrhea!' I think he meant 'ballerina' so that's what I'm going with, because it's much better than the alternative. I hope it's not a bad luck skirt, after the shafting and the diarrhea thing. I guess I'll give it one more chance, and if my phone explodes or something tomorrow I'm definitely taking it to the thrift store for someone else to enjoy. I totally believe in bad luck clothes, and so naturally, I also believe in good luck clothes. I just don't have any. Maybe that will change after I win the chili cook-off!

I've been working on my chili; it's a multi-day process. So far I have a giant vat of beans and a container of seasoned meat, and I invented a way to keep the pots hot using just a pancake griddle. So that's a pretty good start, don't you think? I don't have a recipe or anything, because those are for candyasses. I'll just toss some other junk in there tomorrow and call it good- what could possibly go wrong? It will be just in time for good chili weather, too: it is going to get wintery soon. I say BRING IT ON, winter! I have new boots, so suck on that! The boys and I jumped on the trampoline tonight and my feet were FREEZING. At least I'm not in Alaska like some of my work friends. Boy, do I feel sorry for them. The zombie sewer robots will probably be covered up with snow and they won't even get any chili. TOTAL BUMMER.

I guess that's all for now; send my skirt some good luck vibes! I'll give you a full report if anything out of the ordinary happens.

The Boss, and Other Tales

Shane: I'm the boss of you, and you're the boss of me.

Weston: What? What does that mean?

Shane: I said, I'm the boss of you, and you're the boss of me.

Weston: Okay, get me some water.

Shane: No.

Weston: But I'm the boss of you, so get me some water.

Shane: No. I'm the boss of you. You get ME some water.

Weston: No.

Shane: I'm NEVER going to get anything for you, EVER!

Weston: I'm going to get my own water, and NONE for you!

Shane: Okay. Let's play robots!

Weston: Okay.

I hope you have all had a pleasant week and a great weekend. I know it has been blazing hot all over the place but here in the Pacific Northwest the weather has been fantastic. We have been picking raspberries, and Lloyd and the boys have been fishing and crabbing like crazy. The garden is growing nicely now after a slow start from a cold and wet spring and early summer. We finally have some green tomatoes and will have some broccoli and zucchini to pick in the next few days.

In bummer news, one of the pilots we knew in Korea has died, leaving a wife and three children. A memorial fund for the kids has been set up, and you can find information about donating by clicking here. I did not know Paul well, but he was a nice guy with a lovely family who always had a smile on his face, and he will be missed by his entire Air Force family.

And that is my Sunday evening report. I have elaborate plans for scintillating posts in the near future. Ta-ta for now!

Hell has Frozen Over and Monkeys are Flying out my Butt

Well, it's official. I just had my first 'I miss Osan' experience. If you must know, I've been sort of mocking all my Osan friends who have moved on and then pine for it. As you may know, or suspect, Osan is sort of dreary, and I have not missed it even once before today. Well, maybe except for the day the old lady annoyed me in the park in English instead of Korean. But it is a simple, pleasant life in some ways and it does have its little charms. Chiefly, all the fantastic friends and neighbors. The ones that don't say a single word when your kids streak down the hall or throw a tantrum in the post office. The ones that always have that weird spice you need on Monday when the commissary is closed. The ones that are always up for a stroll to Chili's for a margarita on a Tuesday night even if its 12 degrees with 3o mph winds. The ones that will take your kids off your hands with six seconds' notice for however long you need. I'm not kidding when I say that virtually ALL of my neighbors there fit that description, even the ones that secretly didn't like me. I guess I'm a little spoiled, you think?

Today I had a little chat with a neighbor, and let me tell you, she was NOT Osan-worthy. I've met most of our closest neighbors, briefly, but the boys have been playing with some kids up the street lately, and the mom came down to our end of the cul de sac this afternoon. Mostly to tell me, in a very humorless tone, that her kids aren't allowed to come in my yard, go on our trampoline or otherwise consort with us in any way beyond playing in the street. I could almost see the air quotes around 'trampolining'.

Sadly, I was not totally surprised by her dour countenance, because I had just been talking to her eight year old. Actual conversation:

8 year old boy: Where's Weston?

Me: He does an afternoon program at the church on the corner.

8 year old boy: I don't think that's a Baptist church.

Me: No, it's a United Methodist.

8 year old boy (smirking): Oh. See, we're CHRISTIANS, not Methodists.

Me: Uh-huh.

I can sort of understand her concern- I mean, sure, she doesn't want her kids to hop on the hell train down here at Casa de Evil Trampoline Jumping Methodist Church Attenders or anything. It didn't help that our black cat was torturing a mouse in the driveway at the time. Good thing she didn't look in the house or she would have seen the half eaten ramen bar on the living room floor. The one true Baptist-only deity probably HATES that. I bet there is a commandment and everything. Number eleven, most likely, and I'm sure it addresses uncooked foodstuffs in a very severe manner. Boy, is she going to be sorry when the earthquake comes and it will be NO TRAMPOLINE AND NO RAMEN for her! I don't know what her policy on mouse meat is, but Henry will probably share.

I'm going to try to turn the other cheek, because that's the Methodist thing to do. Also, more monkeys might hit her that way. And if any of my Osan pals are ever in town, CALL ME! I miss you guys.

Discombobulated

Wow, my head is spinning. I've been back here in the states for a whole month now and I thought I was doing pretty well. I am no longer shocked when I go to Safeway for milk and see that they have several organic varieties, in stock ALL THE TIME, and I haven't blown through a stop sign without slowing or looking for WEEKS. But today we paid our first visit to a stateside base, other than the ill-fated trips to the ER for boil treatment, that is, and can I just say, it was freakishly weird.

The BX was at the top of the order, and first of all, it is HUGE. I was never much of a BX-goer before we moved to Osan so I don't know if it's abnormally large or not, but I almost hyperventilated. I swear, you could put the Mustang Mall at Osan in there at least ten times. I feel bad going on about it, knowing some of you are probably reading this from Osan where you can hawk a loogie from one side of the BX to the other, and I still can't stop myself. Row after row of shoes! Aisle after aisle of toys! They had stacks of Yellow Tail wine for $2.99 a bottle, and even had a pinot noir, which I had never seen before. I started frantically calculating ration points and tossing cases into my cart until I remembered that now I can buy however much hooch I can drink, or however much I can afford anyway, and that if I go back next week, it will still be there. And the week after that, and even the week after that, until infinity. Every time I went around a corner, I looked up expectantly to see who was there, and I felt strangely deflated when everyone was totally unfamiliar. The Commissary was similar, enormous and full of people I didn't know. Bizarre.

After that, we drove by the thrift store, which is open FOUR days a week and chock-full of castoff goodness. I got there twenty minutes before it closed and I barely had time to briefly inspect the previously loved wares. But did I mention it's open four days a week? I can go back tomorrow! Just in time to hit the BX for another load of wine. God bless America, my friends. And the thrift store. And cheap Australian reds.