Easter

Happy Easter! Oh, I know Easter is not actually until tomorrow. I have just never felt especially bound by convention, and besides, my sister did all the work and she said we were having Easter today. If she hadn't done all the work, we wouldn't have even HAD Easter. I told that to some people in the office the other day and they looked at me as if I had two heads, both with horns. I didn't realize not wanting to tell lies to your kids about some giant imaginary rabbit and then bust your ass to hide eggs full of sugar and chemicals for them to ingest was so controversial. But I guess it is.

So, we went to Grandpa's house, he cooked a ham, Jennifer made all the kids lovely baskets, Stefan hid about 4,372 eggs and a great time was had by all. Even the dogs and the garden statues were all decked out for the occasion. You'll note Ranger has a yellow Easter bunny attached to his collar. Do you guys think the Easter bunny really is yellow? I'm not a huge fan of holidays in general, especially ones that create work for me, and I've been coveting that snappy lemon-colored coat, you know. But I could go with a fur cape, too. The ears could attach around the front in a jaunty bow, what do you think? I've seen pink and green Easter bunnies, too, though, and those aren't really my colors so much. At least this season. Oooh, that gives me an idea for winter, too: can't you just see me in a deep red velvet? With white trim!

The kids especially enjoyed playing in the dirt pile in the driveway- they got out bowls and dumped in some pond water to make concrete. Something about the Easter bunny sleeping with the fishes, I dunno. You don't think my cape will be ruined if he gets waterlogged, do you? One thing I really require in a garment is that it can be easily laundered. I suppose he has to shower, what with all that hopping and egg-delivering, so you'd think it could go in the wash. In any event, all four of the kids got all muddy, marked up the garbage bins with dirty handprints to trick Grandpa into thinking there were aliens there, dug holes in the lawn, made piles to look like poop and threw dirt clods at each other. Then Jennifer came out and gave me the stinkeye for letting them get so dirty. I keep thinking she'll stop letting me watch them one of these days but no luck so far. It was BARELY questionable activity, anyway, not like they were chasing each other with sharp tools. At least not for very long. Then Stefan finally got sick of the mess and gave them an involuntary hosing down; they threw fits and we all went home. About the usual holiday outing, all things considered.

On the brown sweater front, I have been shopping multiple times with very limited success. I went to Goodwill today and while THE sweater continues to elude me, I did see two things that I dropped off the week before, which always amuses me. I'm not sure why, except that I am apparently very easily entertained.

And that's the Easter report from here; I hope you all have a great weekend!

Returned

Remember when my scarf disappeared? And I was super pissed off at the universe? I am not kidding, I looked EVERYWHERE for that thing. I looked especially hard in my closet, because I figured that was the most likely place for it to be, unless it was purloined to construct a robot kitty army or similar (also fairly likely). I looked on the shelves, under my purses, in all the corners. I even crawled around with a flashlight in case it slipped down behind the shoes or under my possibly-too-large collection of coats. So you can imagine my surprise this morning when I found it folded on a shelf IN MY CLOSET, almost in plain sight. I took a picture of it in case the universe decides to yank my chain again and I need to put up flyers. Notice how the back and front are different? I love that about it because I can dial down the orange if I want. I tried to take a picture of myself wearing it so you know what it looks like on. You know, so if it disappears again and you see someone wearing it you can kick some scarf-stealing ass. Unfortunately, I am not very good at taking pictures of myself, apparently, as I made approximately eight thousand attempts and ended up with not one publishable photo for my trouble. So you will just have to use your imagination when you are trying to decide whether you should attack someone to get my scarf back for me.

Anyway, you might surmise that the scarf was in my closet all along and I just didn't see it, but you would be dead wrong. The scarf was not in the closet. It disappeared and then it came back. I don't know why, and I don't especially care. My friend Sarah thinks I earned some karma points after the poker chips yesterday and the spaghetti mess this morning. See, I dropped a giant steaming plate of pasta and sauce as I was heating up leftovers for breakfast. It landed all over the microwave, the stove, the floor and me. The clean-up was pretty daunting; I was thinking of just moving out. To a clothing-free community. So maybe she's right, because that WAS pretty bad and definitely deserving of some redistribution of spiritual wealth.

The scarf is back, and that's good, but I like to plan ahead a little. Just a little, mind you, mostly I'm a flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. At least until my pants rip and I crash and burn in a bloody heap, but that almost never happens. Right now, though, I'm thinking I should stock up on scarves so I always have a couple of spares for the next time the universe gets all smart with me. This one came from Qatar, so if you know someone at The Deid that wants to go can tolerate scarf shopping for me, let me know!

And on an unrelated note, I have a minor correction and also a comment about yesterday's post. I have been informed that what I described as a hole to China in the lawn is actually a hole to Africa. Presumably it makes a sharp turn down there somewhere, perhaps around the Mohorovicic Discontinuity. And finally, I feel I was unfairly accused of whining in the comments, when in fact I was not whining at all, but merely stating facts.

That's all, my friends; catch you next week! If you have time, check out Doraville for some new entries from my mother's book. My beloved Helen has been working like crazy posting them; isn't she the best?!?!?!!? Of course, if you know Helen, you already know that. But a reminder doesn't hurt- love you, Helen!

SCARFU

I am pretty sure I have had a tragic SNAFU with my favorite scarf, making, naturally, a SCARFU. I'm not totally positive because I haven't finished tossing the boys' room but it appears that I might have accidentally given the best scarf ever to the Goodwill. Somewhat surprisingly, this has never happened to me before, at least as far as I can recall. Perhaps the universe has decided it's time for the scarf to have a new home, and I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm picky about scarves, so it can't be easily replaced, but I've often heard that the universe knows what it's doing even if it doesn't meet with my approval. I don't believe this, of course, but the fact remains that my scarf is gone and I can either stomp my feet and cry, or go Goodwilling for a new one. I guess we all know the right answer to that one. And if YOU are out thrifting and it looks like the universe has decided that a super soft black, brown and orange leaf/paisley patterned pashmina needs to go home with you, you can just bring it right back to me, got it? Because I'm not done with it, and I don't give a rat's ass what the universe says.

Moving on, because more scarf talk is just going to vex me, I got a couple of interesting comments on my post about the first aid kit/dangerous unicorn of the other day that I would like to address. First, I was forced to choose a fierce animal persona at work, not at home. Apparently that wasn't quite clear, but if it had happened at home it wouldn't even have merited a mention. Sadly, I can't post the majority of the conversation, though I would dearly love to. It was highly amusing and enlightening but has high potential for getting me outed.

And, secondly, someone who shall remain nameless thinks I should have just shut up about the first aid kit because.... oh, never mind, I'm not going to try to paraphrase. Here is the direct quote: "if you can make such a commotion about one band-aid--how busy are you really?? Either that or you have totally gone over the edge with too much work/stress in your life. Or, maybe that is just how things work there and you are certain you weren't aggravating the situation. I am just saying...... Maybe this is a time when you should have used the mantra "...don't sweat the small stuff..."" Well, nameless commenter, as it happens, it really wasn't about one band-aid, but more about preventing a multitude of toe stabbings. Although, perhaps, there might be the tiniest kernel of truth in the part where I should just shut my gob at work. But then I wouldn't have so much to post about, now would I?

Remember when I got my tiara? I do, that was such an awesome day. So awesome that I bought myself a magic wand to go with it. Well, gotta go, I'm going to go see if I can whomp myself up a new scarf.

***updated to add: I have finished my search of the boys' room. No scarf, but I did find a life-sized glow-in-the-dark skeleton, three apple cores, a pair of pliers and fourteen stuffed cats.

Greenbacks

Remember when I promised ages ago to share my brilliant Las Vegas idea? I meant to do it right away, too, but then my cat got all run over and I was discombobulated. But now I have installed a tube that goes from my backyard distillery to an outlet valve in every room of my house, plus I have a portable unit that I can wheel around, like those people that use oxygen canisters. I’m MUCH better now, so here goes:

An eco-friendly casino/resort/co-op! Don’t you love it?!?!!? The name is Greenbacks; that was Helen’s idea. It will be in the shape of the recycling symbol, and it will be powered by solar panels, turbines, and bicycles like on Gilligan’s Island. People can pedal for food when they have gambled away all their money. We’ll recycle the food from the other casinos, and whatever the ‘volunteer’ pedalers don’t eat we can compost. Inside the open space in the middle will be the garden, composting and chicken coop area, where we will generate all of our food.

Of course, foraging animals take up a lot of resources, so our buffet meals will be most vegetarian, but once a year we’ll have a cattle drive. People will have to sign up in advance because it will be super popular, and we’ll drive organic cows into our compound, slaughter them and feast on the meat. Then we’ll let our guests tan the leather and fur, and make their own clothes and shoes. You might think that’s a little crazy, but Caesar’s has a make your own shoe shop. I saw it about 37 times because it was right across from the slushy machines that excrete the gigantic margaritas, so you can be sure it’s an accurate report. And it was very popular; just imagine if you could charge extra to tan your own leather!

We’ll have all the amenities tourists have come to expect from a Vegas vacation, not to worry. We’ll just have to make a few modifications to meet our green standards. The go-go dancers, for example. Clearly, there are some decency standards in Vegas, so the outfits will have to cover their bikini lines. Hemp, I’m thinking, with acorn belly chains.

We’ll have an ample supply of fresh water with a state-of-the-art urine recycler. Stations on the strip for all the drunks to pee into, combined with the toilets inside Greenbacks, should give us plenty to work with. It might even work with the cow's blood! We could have rovers working inside the casino, too, with portable pee recyclers on their backs, and then they could just pee on demand, and dispense fresh water for the gamblers. I’m on the fence about solid waste- whether we should have composting toilets, or collect it and turn it into fertilizer all in one place. I’m interested in your opinions, so let me know what you think!

Just like all the other casinos, we’ll have tours to all the important sites. Rickshaws will run every hour to the Goodwill. Six-seaters will probably be big enough because there will be so much else to do, what with the butchering and all. A full tour schedule is available on request. Reserve your trip now; spots will fill up fast!

Did you get the memo on the paper?

I work in a government office, and you might have heard something about budget problems in our public agencies lately. My office just got some seriously bad news: we are down to our last box of 8.5 x 11 printer paper. Dude! Printer paper is like the fuel that powers the machine where I work. The place will grind to a screeching halt in a hurry if the supply is cut off, and at least six, no.... seven people will immediately shrivel up and die. We've already had to go to double-sided printing. You would think people would embrace that; it cuts the paper usage in half, so that's like two trees a day, but surprisingly, this has not been a super popular move.

But if we get cut down to zero on the paper front, what are we going to push around? All day long, piles, folders, clipboards, and binders, all cram-jammed with dead trees, get schlepped from cube to cube, from one end of the office to the other. Over and over and over, like a perpetual motion machine. I've been brainstorming ideas for a good substitute, and the best thing I can come up with is old computer monitors on old office chairs. The pushing would be easy, because of the wheels, and it would be efficient because we'd be pushing two things at one time. The scary thing is, I can totally picture this in my mind, and it wouldn't be all that different. Pretty viable, don't you think?

If that doesn't work out, I have another idea to acquire the paper we need: a swap operation with other public agencies. As it happens, we have an ample supply of legal paper, which we don't use very often, and I did an inventory of the supply room. We have:

A polaroid camera, still in the box

4 unopened boxes of 3.5" floppy disks

23 dirty mouse pads

119 pounds of tabbed sheets

47 2" white binders

4 boxes of toilet seat covers

3 cubic yards of desktop organizers in various configurations

14 pencil sharpeners

Large box of fortune cookies

6 reams carbon paper

I'm thinking we can appoint a Swapmaster, which should definitely be a good promotion for someone. Not me, though- I'm not a good bargainer, plus I'm not really ambitious. The new Swapmaster could set up in the supply room on the big table with all the goods and start wheeling and dealing to get the printer paper, and we also desperately need some kleenex right away. I mentioned it at the staff meeting today and they just laughed at me, so I guess that means they all want to try the office chairs and computer monitors first. I'll let you know how it turns out! I might consider putting up pictures but I don't want to get canned. Maybe I can make everyone disguise their identities while they careen around the hallways- we can probably get a gross of masks from the health department in exchange for the fortune cookies. And, just in case that doesn't work out, keep your eyes open for surplus you might want to trade; I'll put in a good word for you with the Swapmaster.

In which I make excuses

So. Yeah. I KNOW! But now I'm back from 'vacation' and have a jillion posts swirling around in my head, which can't possibly end well, as we all know.

Some potential upcoming topics include: unsolicited diet tips and why my pants don't fit, how much hard work it is for me for Lloyd to find a job, what a pain in the ass it is never being able to find my favorite underwear because everything currently in my possession is strewn all over amongst 37 suitcases, how much I hate the state of Louisiana, how many beers are required each day to banish the trauma of lengthy visits with the relatives, why my two-year old can distinguish a canoe from a kayak at fifty feet but can't count to three, and a dip into the hellpool of my high school years.

As an aside, the only reason the high school hell is on the topic list is because my mother forced me to go through all my junk at her house and I found a bunch of old letters that are painful and hilarious at the same time. Some of them are from people I barely remember, so I don't even have anyone to taunt on Facebook. I might post them anonymously on here just because it seems so wasteful to recycle them where no one can appreciate them except some stupid trees that would otherwise get chopped down so teenagers can write more ridiculous letters to each other. Except for I suppose they don't really do that anymore, do they? I sort of wish I had the ones I wrote back, but it's probably better that I don't. The mortification factor is reduced that way. Oh no, now I have an idea! I'll post a few later on, and if you have something similar that you want to share, send it to me and I'll post it anonymously so we can all enjoy it without you or any of your former friends being humiliated.

Moving on, I just can't decide what to write about first, so I am overwhelmed, frustrated and confused. This may result in an increased beer requirement, which in turn makes my (bigger) pants not fit, which requires more beer. It's a vicious cycle, can't you see? HELP ME.