Phone

Well, I did it. I went right into the phone store and did it. I got a phone so smart that it could probably finish that cold fusion device I've been working on. I was terrified, of course. All that creepy technology staring me down. And it was full of zombies*! But I just told them to get out of my way or I was going to blast them with my death ray and they all just turned back, then shuffled off to look at ipads.

I did tell the greeter man that I wanted the phone with the death ray option, but his name tag said 'Jazz' and if there's one thing you can count on from a man named after music it's that he will not think I'm funny. After that he palmed me off on a lovely young woman named Erin who immediately helped me purchase my phone along with many potentially unnecessary accessories, including a cover with purple and white birds. I don't even like bird designs, though I understand they are very fashionable as items of decor these days. She was very adamant that I needed it, though, and who am I to argue with her? The zombies steered clear of her, so she must know what she's talking about. They're probably scared of birds.

Here's the part that kills me: I went in there, plopped down my credit card, and they let me walk out of there just as if I had any clue about what to do with that thing. It was just like having a baby, when you go into the hospital like a regular person, and come out with this very small, delicate and expensive thing that you have absolutely no idea how to operate. Oh, sure, you've read all the books and have some theoretical knowledge about sleep deprivation and pure desperation. Hell, you might even have some practical knowledge from the time you drank beer for 96 hours straight then lost your shoes, wallet and several other pretty useful items of apparel at Waterbust. Hypothetically speaking, I mean.

BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! SUCKER, you have no freaking clue what you just got yourself into!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh wait, where was I? Oh yeah, the only difference between the phone store and the baby hospital is that the phone store was free of blood, vomit or spurting geysers of milk. Zombies usually have some gore hanging off them that looks pretty similar to the detritus of childbirth but they were surprisingly clean at that store. Maybe they're unionized?

In any event, once again, I'm pretty sure I have no idea what I've gotten myself into, but at least I can take the phone back, right?

*Yes, Ina, the zombie part is all lies