Skirt Report

I know you've all been waiting breathlessly for the skirt report. It appears that the skirt is neither a good luck nor a bad luck item of apparel. I did get several compliments on its sassiness, so that makes it a win. I know you want a picture, Helen, but I am pretty lazy and didn't get it done. As much as I would appreciate some extra good luck, I guess I can't complain about clothes that are neutral in the providence department.

The chili is done. It's called 'Deer Me, it's Delicious! chili, and it's a surefire winner. I did get an unusual and unsolicited cooking tip- I was advised to liven it up with a can of Copenhagen. I was intrigued, but managed to resist. Also, doesn't a can of chew cost like four thousand dollars these days? I can't afford that, because I already spent the $867 per pound for the free venison. It does have several of my own top secret ingredients, though. I'm willing to spill if you promise not to tell anyone: chicory coffee, cocoa powder, and bloody mary mix. I also considered some actual coffee grounds, for texture, but decided to skip it this time.

Right now, the chili is resting comfortably in the car. Don't worry, it's going to be COLD tonight, so the chances of food poisoning are low. It takes some serious salmonella to overcome the kidney bean toxins, anyway. I'm going to tote it back and forth to the cook-off venue in my Osan shopping cart. I hauled that thing out of the garage and it still had a commissary receipt crumpled up in the bottom. I will admit to a tiny pang. But just one. The cart is the perfect size for my two giant vats of chili stacked on top of each other, and the purse basket is just right for the pancake cooking griddle. I'm not sure people in my office will have the proper appreciation for the hard-working cart, though. If someone mocks the cart I will probably have to punch him in the face, and then force feed him some kidney beans with salmonella sauce.

So that's it for today! I'll let you know how the cook-off goes! I'm going to wear a cowboy hat and everything, how can I possibly lose?

Stop the Presses

Stop the presses, people! I am going to wear a skirt to work tomorrow. 'WHAT??' I'm sure I can hear you gasping. Yes, it's true and I'll tell you why. Mostly because I have been stuffing my face and my pants are pinchy and I couldn't find anything good at the Goodwill today, so I had to go closet shopping. I found a flippy skirt that I hadn't worn since the day I got shafted at Osan and tried it on. Luckily, it still fit so I twirled it around and asked Shane what he thought. He said, 'Mama, you look FABULOUS! Like a diarrhea!' I think he meant 'ballerina' so that's what I'm going with, because it's much better than the alternative. I hope it's not a bad luck skirt, after the shafting and the diarrhea thing. I guess I'll give it one more chance, and if my phone explodes or something tomorrow I'm definitely taking it to the thrift store for someone else to enjoy. I totally believe in bad luck clothes, and so naturally, I also believe in good luck clothes. I just don't have any. Maybe that will change after I win the chili cook-off!

I've been working on my chili; it's a multi-day process. So far I have a giant vat of beans and a container of seasoned meat, and I invented a way to keep the pots hot using just a pancake griddle. So that's a pretty good start, don't you think? I don't have a recipe or anything, because those are for candyasses. I'll just toss some other junk in there tomorrow and call it good- what could possibly go wrong? It will be just in time for good chili weather, too: it is going to get wintery soon. I say BRING IT ON, winter! I have new boots, so suck on that! The boys and I jumped on the trampoline tonight and my feet were FREEZING. At least I'm not in Alaska like some of my work friends. Boy, do I feel sorry for them. The zombie sewer robots will probably be covered up with snow and they won't even get any chili. TOTAL BUMMER.

I guess that's all for now; send my skirt some good luck vibes! I'll give you a full report if anything out of the ordinary happens.

Jake and Henry

The cats now have names. I know you were worried so I rushed right over here to tell you. The black and white one that looks like Henry is named Henry, and the shy one is named Jake, after the cat in 'The Cat from Outer Space'. Have you guys seen this movie? It's an excellent flick, as you might expect from a movie about a cat from outer space. It's a must-see, especially if you love cats and outer space, both of which are very popular around here.

We also have been watching NOVA's Elegant Universe, which is fascinating. Weston is especially interested in string theory, but Shane has trouble figuring out the part about the eleven dimensions. I told him nobody really knows for sure if the theory is true and that maybe when he's a scientist he can figure it out. He quickly informed me that he's not going to be a scientist, he's going to be a 'piwot'. Lloyd, naturally, assumes he means 'pilot' and is thrilled, while I'm holding out for 'pirate', because that's WAY better. Not as good as scientist, of course, but you only have so much influence, right? He would make a super cute pirate, like Wesley, aka the Dread Pirate Roberts, in The Princess Bride. I'm sure I needn't describe 'The Princess Bride' beyond stating the obvious and well-known fact that it's the most awesome and fantastic movie ever made. Also, it boasts the brilliant and beautiful theme song 'Storybook Love' by the late, great Willy DeVille.

Let's see, what else is going on around here? I wore my stunning new boots to work today and I could hardly get any work done because I had to spend all my time admiring them. Also, I agreed to enter a big vat of kidney bean chili in the cook-off at work. You totally thought I was just kidding, didn't you?? But nope, I'm really going to do it. I'm going to use three different kinds of beans, though, to dilute that nasty kidney bean juice. I'm not EVIL, you know. I'm going to pretend that it's my revolutionary and double-top secret three bean chili recipe but really I borrowed it from my friend Yolanda after she was enough of a sucker to tell me her plan. So that should work out well. I'm in it to win it, people!

Recatted

Hurray! Our new cats are here! Aren't they GORGEOUS?!?!?!?!?!? They are fat and glossy, and came with more accessories than I even own. A three-story kitty condo, some wheeled, soft-sided carrying cases, multiple scratching items, a sack of toys, and two high-tech litter boxes, and they got delivered right to my front door from usedcatsRus.com, just like a pair of boots from Zappos. So cool! They have so much stuff that I might have to move out to the garage to make room for them. Sure, it's cold and dirty out there but there's plenty of clothes, boats, household items, bee hives, spare construction materials and emergency supplies. It'd be nice and quiet, and I bet there's plenty of wireless around here free for the taking. I'm sure I could live out there quite happily for some time. Of course, then I would need some garage cats. You can never have too many cats, you know.

They don't have names yet. Their original names don't suit us, but there has been some serious discord over potential new names, especially for the black and white one that looks like Henry. Shane favors 'Henry', while Weston thinks we should call him 'Alex'. The other one, who doesn't look like any other cat I know, hasn't spent enough time out from under the chair to let us ponder names for him. My sister is horrified that we aren't keeping their names but I don't think cats care about that kind of foolishness. They know who they are and aren't the tiniest bit concerned with what stupid humans call them; that's my theory. Cats don't need labels, only people seem to need labels. I have a high confidence level that I would not be appreciably different even if I had a name that was totally unsuitable. Like Molly or Tiffany or Edna. I don't even care what people call me, and it's a good thing, too. ESPECIALLY at the office.

That's all the cat news for today- I will keep you posted on the names. We can only call them 'The black and white one that looks like Henry' and 'The shy one' for so long, right? Have a good week!

Veteran's Day

Happy Veteran's Day! I actually think our veterans would be much better served with adequate pay, benefits and support than with a day of celebration in November. I guess it's a nice gesture. That makes lots of money for corporate America, no doubt. Sort of like Mother's Day and Father's Day. Tons of cashola for retail giants but no family friendly policies anywhere in sight. So that's business as usual. Have a nice day, veterans! Sorry about that TBI; you know how it is. We found a corporation that had to pay a few bucks in taxes, so we have to remedy that instead of fixing your head that we damaged in the first place. Among other issues, veterans are much more likely to be unemployed than non-veterans, and non-veterans aren't doing all that well, employment-wise, these days. Lots of families don't have enough food- it's a great time to donate to Northwest Harvest or a food bank near you. You can probably donate right at the cash register the next time you go grocery shopping.

Anyway, moving on, because that is super depressing, I got a new pair of boots today! The guilt-inducing ones I ordered last week came today. They are quite fabulous, and Shane turned the box into a WALL-E type contraption and wore it around the house all day with nothing else on except his teeny-tiny tighty whities- SUPER CUTE! Also, I discovered what Lloyd and the boys do all day. I strapped Shane in his seat this afternoon to hit the grocery store, and he said, "I would like to go to Starbucks for a hot chocolate and a blueberry scone, please."

Sorry I didn't post all week- I MEANT to, but there was this giant hurricane-ish storm in the Bering Sea so I had to work from 0'dark thirty to a million o' clock all week. Lloyd was gone, too, requiring painful, expensive and exhausting child care machinations. Thank God I get a celebratory day in May! I'm not sure about this standard time thing, either. It seems like it shouldn't be THAT big of a deal but I have not been sleeping properly ever since we fell back. It's such a stupid idea, anyway: it's not as if we REALLY get any more daylight. I have an idea! Let's donate Mother's Day, and bust it up into 24 one hour chunks, which we can then spread out for an actual extra hour on 24 different days! Brilliant, right?

And call me crazy, but I am getting some new-to-me cats tomorrow. I found them on Craigslist, and one of them looks exactly like Henry! We have been easing into the idea for a while, but the Fur Real cat Weston got at the Goodwill last week was the final straw for Lloyd. He said if we're going to have that creepy hideous thing around here, we might as well have real cats, as long as they're free. Lloyd has a real aversion to paying good money for used cats, especially if that money could be used for hot chocolates and blueberry scones. I'll keep you posted.

Have a good weekend!

Leavings

Wow, winter is really coming. Standard time is here, and look at all those leaves! We have this industrial-sized dual-tired wheelbarrow, and I have filled it up at least seven times so far with maple leaves from the front yard and apple leaves from the back yard. Apple leaves are poisonous, did you know that? Especially when they are wilting. So don't eat them. But it's okay to let your kid roll around in them. That's the Dead Cat safety lesson for today. And here's another one: kidney beans are EVIL. Look at this! I just found it while I was looking for a link to how bad wilting apple tree leaves are for your kids or dogs. Isn't that TERRIFYING?? I swear, you can't eat anything these days. I thought kidney beans were HEALTHY, and until today I made chilis and soups with them all the time. GEEZ. Now I'm going to have to donate them all to the food bank so the poor people get poisoned instead of me. I'll take a big fat tax deduction, too. Just call me BP! Or maybe I could just chef them up for the big chili cook-off at work. No deduction, but there's something to be said for job satisfaction, too.

Normally I'm not super concerned about leaves piling up in the yard. In fact, I like them, because they cover up all those broken toys, rotting jack-o-lanterns and wine bottles out there, just like a cozy orange and yellow quilt would. If it was big enough. That's just a little idea I'm going to keep in my back pocket in case I ever live in a place with no deciduous trees. Feel free to help yourself to it, especially if you're crafty that way. Today, though, I found myself inexplicably compelled to rake them up and do some other chores around the house and yard. Now, I know correlation does not always equal causation, but I think it might be because I just bought myself a pair of the most fabulous, but possibly unnecessary, black boots from a non-thrift store, and the guilt is getting to me. I resisted, though, because Lloyd wasn't even home to see me busting my ass, so what's the point?? Sure, the lawn would be clean, but not for long, because there's still at least a dump truck worth of leaves still on the tree. Gravity, she's a relentless bitch, ain't she?

Because I'm introspective, and also lazy*, I started thinking about this whole boots=chores thing instead of actually raking up more leaves or cleaning up the toys, pumpkins and wine bottles. I got to thinking about my Berenstain Bear-inspired shopping chore chart idea, in which penalties are assessed for inappropriate purchases. Perhaps, I thought, the chore chart could be more proactive, where you earn shopping trips by doing chores. So, for example, raking leaves and thinking about cleaning the yard gets you a fantastic pair of boots with cunning little buckles on them. To get a new treestand, you would have to steam clean the carpet, scrub the grout, clean the gutters, bleach the toilets, sweep the chimney and wash the windows. That sounds fair, right? I see a trip to Cabela's in Lloyd's future. You can thank me later, honey!

*Or, yes, only lazy. Have it your way. Just call me BK!

Grave

This week I took a day off work and went down to see the newly installed stone on my mother's grave. In case you can't quite see the bottom line, it reads "...so Carrie won't be alone..."

Carrie was her step-grandmother and was sort of the black sheep of the family, which is hard to accomplish. You can trust me on that one. You might know that my mother wrote a book about her family, which we published posthumously on Lulu.com. By 'we', I mean my brother-in-law, who did all the work, and my father, who paid for it. I definitely had thoughts, though! Lots and lots of thoughts.

While doing research for her book, she discovered that Carrie was actually not so bad; she was just a socialist and a crusader for unpopular causes. As we know, this can make one a pariah in short order, and so my mother, a bit of a quiet crusader herself, decided to remedy this injustice. She cared not at all what sort of service we had for her, but was very adamant that she be buried with Carrie, "So Carrie won't be alone." And so it was done. If you like, you can read a bit more about Carrie and the epitaph in this post on Doraville.

As it turns out, they both have plenty of neighbors, including the one that cast the annoying shadow on Carrie's stone so you can't see it very well in the picture. Below is the view of the Green Mountain Cemetery in Rainier, Oregon, from their grave. While looking it up to make sure I had the name right, I found this link to the International Ghost Hunters Society about a ghost investigation at Green Mountain. Maybe Carrie is out and about at night, doing her part for Occupy Wall Street! That would be AWESOME; I would totally go if there were ghosts there. Well, maybe not. I'm pretty lazy, plus my day job cuts into my protesting time.

And this is the skyward view from the grave. It's quite stunning on a nice fall day, though I don't guess they're looking. If they're doing anything, it's probably MUCH more productive than lounging around staring at the sky. I wonder if they take requests? I didn't think to give them any while I was there but I will definitely rectify that next time. Until then, enjoy the view, ladies!