April

Haha, fooled you! This isn't a real post. I WOULD write a real post but ***insert whiny excuse here***. Also, I can't find a brown sweater that suits my exacting specifications and I can think of little else. I keep expecting the universe to drop one in my lap as reparations for the scarf episode but no such luck so far. In fact, the desired sweater has so thoroughly crowded everything else out of my head that I successfully resisted purchasing multiple cunning coats while sweater shopping, if you can believe such a crazy thing. Even a delicious-looking lemon-yellow one with front pockets and..... soft, smooth, mahogany-colored....wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, instead of an actual post, the latest and greatest:

-Shane has decided he is going to be both a jet pilot AND a swordfighter. Thanks a lot, LLOYD.

-The boys are working on a secret club called hmmmm hmmmm doodle. Oops, I hope I didn't blow their cover. I would make a terrible secret agent. I'm not really clear on the full scope of this effort but there is going to be fish. I'm a little scared, because these big bowls of water with rocks and small dishes in them are appearing all over the house.

-Jennifer has some beautiful spring pictures up at her blog, check them out. I WOULD have put up some beautiful spring pictures only insert whiny excuse here I am lazy as hell I am too obsessed with my imaginary super soft, rich chocolaty-brown sweater to even consider taking pictures or doing anything else productive in any way I don't have any.

And, that's all the news from here for today; let me know if the universe accidentally gives you my sweater! I'll take that yellow coat, too, if you don't want it. Have a good week!

Wrap-up

So! I didn't write all week, sorry! I have been working extra super duper hard lately and it takes some getting used to. I can barely lift up my wine glass and text all my friends at the end of the day, seriously. Last night I got the most awesome series of wrong number texts ever:

1. please control your girlfriend

2. (attached recording of loud drunk obnoxious woman)

3. IM SO SORRY

4. This is the wrong number!

I was so worn out I didn't even write back, can you believe that? Because that would be some high quality entertainment right there. The possibilities were endless and it was almost physically painful to have to let the opportunity pass me by.

I have high hopes for next week, though. In fact, I'm planning to get my skates out of the trunk of my car for the first time since I fell down on the path outside my office at lunch time and had to hide my arm from the safety nerds for fear they would make me fill out a form. I'm working in a different office for a while and there isn't a good place to throw rocks, so I figure vigorous skating might suffice for getting out some of my aggression. Or knocking me unconscious. Either one works for me.

Let's see, what else? Oh, my sister Jennifer has a piece in a new show that opens on March 23rd. You can read about it and see her piece on her blog. And, my friend Leah has a new post on her guest blog at girlfriendology.com. It ends with a quote from me so check it out! I feel very clever and famous, thanks, Leah!

On the book front, I am reading 'Why my Third Husband Will be a Dog' by Lisa Scottoline. I think I picked it up at Goodwill because it has the best title ever and I am not disappointed with it. It's a collection of mostly funny essays; definitely recommended. I also recently read 'Think' by Lisa Bloom; I might have written about it before. I liked almost the whole thing except for one chapter where I thought she was totally out to lunch. Too bad I can't remember what the issue was. Anyway, good book, give it a read if you get a chance.

That's the weekly report; I'll try to be a little more prolific in the future. Have a good weekend, y'all!

Jennifer was Right About the Pot Smoking Mr. Rogers Goodwill

Geez, I hate it when she's right; it just makes her bossier next time. I gave the Edmonds Goodwill a thorough going over, and it definitely did not make my list of favorites. I would go there if I lived nearby but even Captain Kangaroo on LSD wouldn't make it worth the long trip. See the pants? I rest my case. Also, it was pretty small. One thing I did like was that the dressing room doors are unlocked so you don't have to get someone to let you in. I despise that about most Goodwills and have never understood why they are so concerned about shoplifting. It's not like they're going to go broke and have to report a loss to the shareholders if someone steals a $6.99 sweater. Or maybe they're concerned about Mr. Rogers toking up in there? I dunno, but it annoys the hell out of me.

They had a good selection of reading glasses, so I snapped up a couple of pairs. I go through those things pretty quickly and recently lost my last pair. They must be somewhere in my office, but I cleaned it up last week and didn't see them. I don't actually NEED reading glasses, you know, but I think they make me look smart. Well, okay, that's a lie. But I do find them to be multi-purpose, and pretty handy for meetings when I am trying to pretend I'm paying attention but am instead exchanging snarky messages with my equally inattentive friends.

And as if that's not enough excitement for one weekend, check out what my dad gave me in the most recent batch of junk he's cleaning out of his house:

I regret to report that my graduating class was quite large, and that the vote was nearly unanimous. My parents were as pleased and proud as you might imagine, though I note they DID save the thing.

That's the Sunday report, friends, I hope you all have a wonderful President's Day and a good week!

Jennifer

You guys all know my sister, Jennifer, right? No? Oh, you definitely should. You can get to know her a little over on her blog, but I have to say she's been a little lazy about posting lately. She should post a lot more, because she is chockfull of excellent counsel. She's also a little bit bossy. Somehow, it never surprises people when I tell them that. I don't know why. If you ask her, she will tell you that she's not bossy, she just always knows what you should do and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. You probably need to decide for yourself, though.

Just today, for example, I told her I was going to go to the new Goodwill in Edmonds. It's new, you know. I haven't been there yet. It's kind of a trek from my house but I need some new flowered coats. And possibly some boots. Also, I have had a strange craving for a denim skirt lately, but most of them are way too prairie and I think I might be too old for a short one. But I have high hopes for the new Goodwill having just the exact right denim skirt for me. Or at least I did until I got some sage advice from Jennifer. See, she has a theory about the Edmonds Goodwill: Rick Steves is from Edmonds, and he is ummm, less than fashionable. In fact, he wears fanny packs, so therefore Edmonds Goodwill must be full of nothing but mom jeans, pleated khaki shorts and stirrup pants.

I didn't actually know who Rick Steves was, because I find travel writing very boring and I don't have any cable, until she mentioned his efforts to decriminalize marijuana. Then it started to ring a bell, because I am a fan of that. Not because I have any interest in smoking pot myself, but if you want to, I don't think it's any of my beeswax any more than it's any of yours how many bottles of wine I suck down. Wait, did that sentence make sense? I hope so, as I am neither drunk nor stoned and so should be perfectly capable at fashioning a coherent sentence.

Well! That was a tangent; I'm not sure how that happened. It was like my keyboard was working itself! Anyway, she likened Rick Steves to Mr. Rogers, except for the pot part, but you know what? I think Mr. Rogers liked his doobies. No one could be that mellow without assistance. I mean, think about it. Not once in all those years in the hood did he let loose on those annoying whiny puppets. That's superhuman, man. She's right about one thing, though, all that pot smoking didn't improve his taste in clothes. I bet if he'd gone to the new Goodwill he could have found some stuff that was a lot more snappy than those ugly cardigans and slippers. If he was still alive I would totally invite him to go with me, because what could be more awesome than Goodwill with a baked Mr. Rogers? Since he can't go, though, I guess I'm on my own with my birthday Goodwill gift card and my optimistic nature. I'll keep you posted, Jennifer!

Cat Wigs

Oh, you guys. I swear, I NEVER know what I'm going to hear or see next around here. Last night the boys decided they needed wigs for Jake and Henry so they would look like girls. Or, 'goowuls', as Shane says. They wanted to know where one could buy such a thing, so I googled it for them, while telling them that there are probably not any cat wigs. You can imagine my surprise, then, when I realized there are totally cat wigs. Naturally, the boys wanted one right away, the pink one, and were quite dismayed when I informed them that there was no way we were going to spend sixty bucks on a wig for a cat. I mean, seriously, who would do that? Do you know how much wine I can buy with sixty smackeroos?

While they were pitching their fits, I posted the cat wigs on facebook, because what else would I do? As always, the best part of my facebook posts are the hilarious comments from my fantastic friends. Here are a few:

If any of my friends were going to discover cat wigs, I would bet it would be you.- S.

I'm totally buying one. My cat will look dashing in the Bashful Blonde.- S.

Oh and Thanks now my daughter wants a cat and a wig for it...Thank God the baby is allergic.- H.

Oh. My. Goodness. I have no words except "0h. My. Goodness. I have no words." -L.

How do you get a cat to keep a wig on??? -M.

And I'm the hard core one? -G.

After the boys recovered from the disappointment associated with my frugal approach to cat accessories, I told them they could MAKE cat wigs if they wanted, for a fraction of the price. We decided doll hair would make good wigs, but they didn't want to cut the hair on the dolls they already had, so obviously a thrift store trip was in order.

THEN, when I told my sister that I was taking the boys to Goodwill to buy dolls to cut their hair to make cat wigs with, she said, "You're going to make cat wigs out of doll hair? What a ridiculous idea. Why don't you just come over here? I have some cat wigs you can have." Every word of this is true. Can you believe I didn't even have a category for her until just now?

So, sure enough, I went over there and she gave me a bag of wigs. Two cat wigs and two little boy wigs. Let me just finish by saying there were mixed feelings about wig-wearing around here today. You may notice Jake is not in any wig pictures at all, and in fact is in hiding and hasn't been seen for several hours. Henry, however, cheerfully donned two different wigs and posed for a lengthy photo shoot. Enjoy!