Fork!

So, how was YOUR day? I am getting mixed reports from all my friends. One reports that her teenager locked his keys in his running car for the second day in a row, her dog chewed up her phone, and her own car wouldn't start. Another friend, on the other hand, enjoyed a close-up view of a bunch of otters playing in the wild.

As for me, hmmmmmm......... my day at work had its usual ups and downs. Trust me, you don't want to hear about them. When I got home, I discovered that Weston can multiply two three digit numbers together and Shane can do front walkovers. Then I had to go to the dreaded swimming lessons, followed by a stop at the store for wine and various other necessities. Sadly, my shopping skills were severely degraded because I was doing what I like to call multi-tasking but what you might call gossiping or chitchatting. In fact, I was busily receiving the all-important daily reports about poodles and otters from my pals and as a result I neglected to bring home the most important bag: the one with the wine and breakfasting supplies for my two small children. One can't go without wine, now can one? Well, maybe another one can, but not this one. In any case, I had to trek back to the store, most definitely a forkable moment.

Oh, wait, I bet you don't know about the fork rating system yet. You will, though, because everyone definitely needs to read about it. It was invented by Leah, one of my most stunning, brilliant and funny friends from Korea. She is writing a new guest blog at girlfriendology.com, so please go check it out; you won't be sorry! Comments would be greatly appreciated, so let her know what you think. Maybe even share your own fork story! She also has some fantastic advice for when your friends are having those fork-worthy days. It might surprise you, or not, to know that she highly recommends chocolates and margaritas. You can adapt her system to your own needs, though. For example, say your friend goes shopping and accidentally leaves her wine at the store. I'm pretty sure you know how to help her. Want to come over?? Please? And don't forget the chocolates! Good night, my friends, I hope your day was great, wherever you are!

Catwalk

I know, I know: WHERE ARE THE UPDATES?!?!??! Sorry, peeps- I have just been all discombobulated this week. So in lieu of an actual post, I have a picture of cats on leashes and some links.

Jake and Henry have been just itching to get outside but after the death of the original Henry, we have been VERY reluctant to let them out. I'm not sure how well this really worked out, but there were no reported injuries to either the boys or the cats. Aren't all four of them just the cutest? Boys and their cats; I love it!

And for some links- here is a new blog someone just shared with me. You know it has to be good when it's called People I Want to Punch in the Throat. And, another one- do you guys read Thought Catalog? It's home to multiple essays every day about weighty topics such as The Different Types of People You See at the Gym, how there is no such thing as too many cats, and the quiz to determine if you are Springsteen or not Springsteen. Actually, now that I think about it, you don't really need a quiz for that. It's one of those things you just know, like if you're gay or not. And, if you must know, I am DEFINITELY Springsteen. And not gay. I couldn't care less if you are gay, but I have to admit I might discriminate against you a tiny bit if you're one of those deviant not-Springsteen people.

Okay, gotta go, because baby, I was born to run................ Smell ya' later, friends!

Radical

***edited to add: I want to punch Blogger in the face right now for the mismatched font. The first paragraph won't match the last paragraph, no matter what contortions I put myself through. There, I feel better now.

Hey, do you guys remember my brilliant Dead Cat Beauty Secrets? If not, you can refresh your memory, but it's basically a comprehensive plan for beautifying your entire life. There's virtually no effort on your part, and it works like magic! To prove it, here are some testimonials from fans:

This does work! Our bathroom lights were almost out for quite a while and I was feeling pretty good about myself... Another beauty tip I'd recommend is chlorine-- really does wonders for my hair. I've even started a few dreadlocks just to stay hip and think I'll save a lot of money on shampoo and conditioner if I keep this up for the summer, but probably just for the summer :-) Tammy, 39

Genius..works wonders!* Shannon, 39

I don't want to give away the secrets here, you really need to read the whole post to fully appreciate the plan, but part of it consists of downsizing your bathroom mirror.

Today, I was just minding my own beeswax, surfing the net, when I came across this article at Jezebel. It's all about a woman who is even more radical than me on the mirror front. She is going an entire year with no mirrors at all, and you can read her blog here. It doesn't appear that she is fully embracing the other elements of the Dead Cat Beauty Plan, but perhaps it isn't for everyone. If you have time, take a look. I'd love to hear what you think about it.

*paraphrased

Again with the gastropods

I swear to you, I am not trying to copy shitmykidsruined.com; lately it just seems that every time I turn around my kids have ruined some more shit. Right now there is a big pile of wet dirt on the front walk, the unattractive remains of a vinegar/baking soda/red kool-aid volcano on the porch, a web of fishing line strung around the living room, mud spattered on the front window, and a snail running wild in the kitchen. Currently, it is clinging to the corner where the cabinet meets the ceiling. I have no idea where it came from. I don't even WANT to know, because it probably has friends and a large extended family.

Truly, I have a million other things to write about, and some of them are even important. Well, okay, that's probably a lie. But you never know; don't count me out! I might surprise you yet with a deep thoughtful analysis of some serious, timely issue. Fine, another lie. So sue me. But do it quick, before the debt ceiling default because about 23 milliseconds after that my net worth will consist solely of gastropods, empty kool-aid packets and wine bottles. That'll learn you. Either way, I even get tired of myself if I post too much of the yuk, yuk, look what my crazy kids did now/I'm a bad mommy schtick. It's just that it's so, so easy: this stuff writes itself. And also boggles the mind. Look, here's a video! Just a short that chronicles one of the afternoon's approximately 43 googol similarly insane activities:

See what I mean? What's a girl to do, right? Sigh.

Entertaining

Some entertaining things I have been reading that I need to share-

1. this article about male lactation. Apparently, this can be successful and is routinely practiced in some parts of the world. Think of the possibilities, people!

2. a hilarious lost cat saga, sent to me by my brother-on-law after we inadvertently became a naive family of poodle rescuers. This story is coming soon to a blog near you.

3. the best ad EVER on craigslist: Hello, the other day i lost my black backpack which contained 5 steel reserves, a realistic old man mask, an 8th of weed, and a rasta colored bong, if you found it, all i want is the mask and bong back, you can keep the weed and beer. I lost it in magnolia near 27th street, thanks

I just really, really want to know what the mask is for. So much so that I might respond to the ad in an effort to find out.

Because I Like to Share....

Here are some fantastic websites I have recently discovered:

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/tendency/ Check out the 'Open Letters to People or Entities Unlikely to Respond'; HILARIOUS!

http://beyondlittlehouse.com/ This is a Little House site; all you really need to know before clicking over in pure wonder is that they sponsor 'Laurapalooza'.

http://www.wendymcclure.net/ Wendy is obsessed with Laura Ingalls and writes books about 1970's Weight Watchers recipe cards. And her Laura Ingalls obsession.

BIG FAT LIES

Hmph. I was just sitting here, killing some time before I go to bed, minding my own beeswax, and I came across this link to a website called Typealyzer. You plug in your blog address and it claims to analyze your personality based on your writing. I have always thought that people totally give themselves away in their writing, even when they think they are being sneaky. This is what makes Facebook so dangerous. Well, one of the things, anyway; vodka and narcissism are also right up there at the top of the list.

Because of this belief, I thought I would get an accurate result when I put my blog in there, but all I got was a bunch of BIG FAT LIES. Here, you can read it for yourself. I got the same spiel from typealyzing both this blog and Stories from Korea:

ESFP- the performer. The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don't like to plan ahead- they are always at risk of exhausting themselves.

They enjoy work that makes them able to help others in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontations- qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

Come on! Almost every part of that is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Right? Then, they showed this little graphic that says that while writing, I use the 'feeling' rear part of my brain instead of the 'logical' frontal portion. What a crock, man. One only has to read a few posts to realize that my writing is completely, totally logical at all times. Like the turban shaped bicycle helmet! You can't get any more logical than that, people! Try it on your blog and tell me what you think.... I'm starting to get a little nervous that I'll never be a highly compensated CEO, or worse, that I'll swathe myself in brightly colored silks and go around smelling sweet. Ickola.

Sunday linkies

Happy Sunday! Today I have two fabulous blog links to share. First, from my friend Amanda, comes her 'Dead Cat in my Trunk'. I always say we all have a dead cat somewhere, so feel free to share your story, too. I'm definitely a sucker for a good dead cat tale. Thanks, Amanda! Oh, and make sure to take a good long look at the picture that goes with her post.

And, for a nice change from dead cats, check out my mom's new blog, Doraville. She has done a ton of work researching her family history and is putting it up. It starts with her grandfather, Josef, coming to America to escape being sent to prison on some phony charges (according to him, natch). He eventually came to Rainier, Oregon and homesteaded there. One of her brothers still owns and operates the original farm and I used to spend summers there picking strawberries when I was a kid. Take a look for some really interesting pioneer history. There are a couple of installments up already, and she has a LOT more in the pipeline.