Well, dammit

My head hurts. I think it might be because I brushed my teeth with beer this morning. About ninety times. What? You don't brush your teeth with beer? You probably don't live in a swamp, then. That's why. You probably live in some kind of fancy ass house where water, glorious municipality-provided chlorinated fluid of the gods, flows out of the taps. See, it's freezing here in the swamp. The pipes in the well house froze up WHILE I was in the shower this morning. I had barely gotten last night's beer rinsed off and had just soaked my head and squeezed some shampoo into my hand when the pounding hot liquid fruits of my swamp-well slowed to a trickle, then stopped completely. I twisted the knob this way and that, and looked disbelievingly at the sticky clump of Neutrogena in my hand for at least thirty seconds before I figured it out. Guess how you solve this problem? After you brush your teeth with beer for a long time, I mean- yep, you hike out into the arctic morning with a soaking wet head toting some sort of warming device FOR THE WELL HOUSE. I felt like freaking Ma Kettle, or Ma Ingalls, or Ma Joad, or whichever Ma had the most agonizing collection of suffering combined with a demoralizing lack of sufficient beer and bad hair.

Then I had to go to work like that. Luckily I have been using this awesome deodorant made out of approximately equal parts coconut oil and baking soda mixed with a few drops of tea tree oil so I didn't stink too bad. My armpits, anyway. I'm not so sure about the rest of me, but that worked out well for our late afternoon staff meeting to develop performance goals and metrics. We don't have any right now so some people peak out with making it to work on time a couple of times a week.  Well, that's not quite true. We HAVE some metrics but they are (U) unsatisfactory, (S) satisfactory and (E) exceptional and everyone just gets S's because if you get a U or E someone has to do extra administrative work and no one is on board for that. So now, we get to write our own, and there needs to be two levels, 'meets expectations' and 'exceeds expectations', or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention. So, for example, 'meets expectations' could be 'responds to customer inquiry' and 'exceeds expectations' could be 'gives customer correct answer 90% of the time'.  These are not actual examples from today's meeting (these are totally actual examples from today's meeting).  Properly executed, this could work out well for me. The bar should be low enough that I can handily outperform the special snowflakes that are tardy all the time. I'm thinking of a 'meets expectations' goal of 'comes to work sufficiently hygienic when temperatures are above freezing'. Brilliant, right? Well, gotta go- I'm off to lay out tomorrow morning's beer!

Yellow

****WARNING for Helen: immediately below this warning is a picture of my foot. It probably won't traumatize you as much as this one, but you are likely to suffer moderate discomfort. Please click here for Hilarity in Shoes, which I think you will like much better than feet****

Well, I guess the Easter bunny can live to terrify small children for another year. I caved in and bought the yellow coat this morning, so there will be no need to skin his yellow fur off for a cape. Wait, if you didn't read yesterday's post, you will probably have NO IDEA what I'm talking about, even though it makes PERFECT SENSE. So, let me explain. No, there is no time. Let me sum up. See, I had this brilliant plan to..... Oh, NEVER MIND. It's a long story, and trust me, the scheme was genius beyond words. In any case, it ends like this: I have a beautiful new yellow coat. So beautiful that I painted my toenails to match it. I do like sandal season but sadly, it appears that boot season may be behind me. Bittersweet, I know, and as a result I have been thinking ALL DAY about my motorcycle boots that I lost in the great Osan mold epidemic of '08. Oh, those would have been SO AWESOME with my new yellow coat.

Also, I noticed another problem caused by the fantastic new coat: it's sort of like when you put in a new kitchen floor, and then you realize how ratty your cabinets and countertops are. Then you replace those, and start noticing the chips in your china and how your pans are all scratched up and how you don't have NEARLY enough wine. No? Maybe it's just me. In the case of the coat, I decided it would look stunning with navy, and I don't have any navy. And maybe some blue and green toned scarves. And a crisp white shirt, and DEFINITELY some new purses. And probably a lot of new open-toed shoes. So you know what happens next, right? Yep, I am for sure taking that sucker back tomorrow. Okay, fine, I am totally just kidding. Wanna go thrifting with me? I will be there every day for AT LEAST the next three weeks. Maybe I will even find some new motorcycle boots!

Well, that's all for now, I have to go rest up for all that shopping. Have a good week, my friends, wherever you are!

Beautiful

Wow, is it a beautiful day! The boys are outside wreaking havoc in their bare feet; it's hard to believe that this was the scene outside my office two days ago:

That is the smoker's shelter outside the office, collapsed under three or four inches of wet snow. Boy, you have never seen such a crabby bunch of tokers, I'm not kidding. But that's all in the past, right? And all that nasty ridiculously late snow is gone. The sun is shining, the dandelions are blooming, and the grass is lush and tasty:

I think we can all see what's wrong with this video, don't you? I was shocked, I tell you, SHOCKED, to learn that Lloyd does not allow the boys to eat grass. I KNOW! What is he thinking? I put a lot of effort into encouraging them to be self-reliant; that really cuts down on the number of cheese quesadillas and peanut butter sandwiches I have to throw at them. Mostly my efforts consist of ignoring their ever more insistent requests for food until they give up and scrounge something for themselves. And really, they are excellent foragers. They know all the edible weeds in the yard and are pretty agile at snapping up bugs. The less food we need, the more cash available for wine! Besides, a little grass never hurt anyone, right?

He probably also doesn't let them jump out of trees, but I didn't want to ask. What I don't know doesn't hurt me, I always say! Not captured on video:

Weston (approximately 10 feet up the apple tree in his bare feet): Can I jump from here?

Me: I don't know, can you?

Weston: Tell me if it's safe!

Me: You'll have to decide for yourself. I don't know if I'd do it, myself, from that high up with no shoes on.

Weston: Will I die?

Me: No.

Weston: But is it safe?

Shane: It's safe! Do it!

Weston: No! (climbs down gingerly)

I think I might be taking this self-reliance thing a little too far, though. When I came out of the shower this morning, I discovered Shane, naked, plunging the toilet and Weston on the computer, shopping for turtles. They're starting to scare me a little, I don't mind saying. I'm pretty sure there's no going back now, though. All I can do is hang on for the ride. And stock up on wine. Okay, fine, I would do that anyway. WHATEVER.

Enough With the Snow Already

So! I took these pictures just before dark last night because I was just SURE I would wake up this morning and it would all be gone. But NOPE! It looked exactly the same this morning, and it looks basically the same right this very second. It HAS been raining since mid-morning, so it's getting good and slushy. Good thing, too, because everyone I know is going just a little bit nuts. And that DEFINITELY includes me. I have been working at home most of the week, but today Lloyd dropped me off at work in the redneck truck. I didn't even wait for him to stop before I flew out of there so fast your head would spin. I have NEVER been so glad to get to work in my whole life, and that includes when I used to get to drive bulldozers and drink beer at work. Not at the same time, of course. As far as you know. Because that would just be dangerous.

Now, because today was the first day I went to work this week, I have been thinking all day that it's Monday. Of course, it is not; it is, in fact, Friday, and an entire slushy, pouring-down-rain, giant-wet-laundry-pile abyss of a weekend yawns in front of me. Man, what I would not give for a bulldozer right now. I would make short work of that laundry pile and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have any trouble getting to the wine store. Or to Goodwill!

Hmmmmmm......................

Duck! It's a Trap!

I don't even know what to say about this picture. There is a duck in the back yard. By the swing. A very, very stupid duck. For the love of all that is holy, THERE IS A TRAP THERE! And doesn't he see all that freaking snow? Shouldn't he be flying south or something? He did finally manage to depart with all of his feathers intact; I hope he has a cozy nest somewhere far, far away from the swing of death.

We had our giant snowstorm today; the worst (or best!) of it was to the south of us, but we got a respectable six inches, and a good day was had by all. The boys enjoyed a series of outdoor activities, like this one in which they played with the hose on the snow-covered trampoline. Naturally, this added significantly to the pile of wet/dirty clothes by the back door and now you need oxygen to get to the top to do the laundry. Not that I'm going to do that, of course.

Then, when they got all tired of playing outside, they came in and sprayed the hell out of the kitchen until the goldfish could gather their own food cleaned the cabinets and all the appliances. That's the news from the frozen wasteland of western Washington; I hope you are staying warm wherever you are!

More Snow

Good morning to you, wherever you are, my friends! It is super early at my house- I woke up way before the alarm went off and got ready for work, only to find that we are having a late start today. I considered going in on time anyway, as I deeply appreciate the quiet pleasures of the early mornings in my office, but I live in fear of being called an overachiever. It's a constant problem, you know.

So, instead, I am attempting to enjoy the early morning at home. It's quiet, so there's that. I mean, except for the cats chasing each other around and yowling and banging into things. As you might guess, my office isn't particularly neat, and as I'm sure you know, I have a high tolerance for sloppy messes. But you should see my house this morning, people. There is a mound of snow clothes and boots about three feet high by the back door, along with a Magic 8 Ball and a box with a door cut into it. The living room is littered with the remains of some questionable game, consisting of three broken down boxes, 457 stuffed animals, and a small cooler. Oh, and a toilet seat. Don't even ask. Really.

Honestly, it's a miracle I can sit here and blog and drink coffee instead of cleaning up, but I take my underachieving very seriously indeed. Only I'm going to have to pick my way to the kitchen soon, because my consumption of fried potatoes isn't up to par lately. It's a fine line, you know, all this balancing business. In fact, it's pretty exhausting and I might need to go lay on the couch and drink beer in my underwear. And eat fried potatoes.

I will leave you with some pictures of yesterday's sunrise. Cliff Mass says we are going to have a major snowstorm starting tomorrow, so that should be super fun. I just hope someone is going to get up off his or her lazy ass and tidy up around here, because otherwise I am going to have to hang out in the car, and there are no fried potatoes in there, so that would really suck. Mmmmmmmmmmmm, fried potatoes!

Snow

It's snowing, y'all!!!! The ground is barely covered right now, but we have high hopes for the rest of the weekend. The boys have made a proto-snowfigure and piled a bunch of snow on the trampoline so they could jump around in it.

And, of course, there is plenty of indoor fun to be had:

Sunset

There are no words, right? But I have some anyway! This is my backyard this afternoon; isn't it STUNNING?

Now, for the pre-weekend update:

-I got a new phone. With insurance. All my contacts are lost, so if I need to be texting you, send me one with your name. I did receive one today that said 'This is your phone. Don't drop me in the pool; I'll be good, I promise!' Very amusing, but not especially helpful in restoring my contacts.

-I just agreed to play Monopoly, God help me. I just hope I still have a stash of wine in the bathroom but I might have wiped it out the night I dropped my phone in the pool.

-Cliff Mass says snow over the weekend! Keep your fingers crossed!

-Many things are swirling around in my head, refusing to gel. A real post might be coming later but right now I am totally just sitting here continuing to type so I don't have to get up and play that loathsome soul-sucking game that's mocking me from the living room. At least it hasn't texted me yet.

And..... that's it for now, my friends! Have a good weekend!

Sweet

I had the sweetest day today! I woke up this morning and looked out the back yard at the sheep farm to see an awesome sunrise. Then, the boys and I did our morning chores and headed out to make our rounds. First we visited Grandpa, which is always a popular destination, possibly partly because of the chips and cookies that are always readily available. Then we went to Jennifer's house, which is the picture with the Christmas bears in front of it. I would arrange the pictures in the proper order, but it never works, so you're just going to have to keep up. Sorry! But I have total confidence in you.

It was a gorgeous day and I had a fantastic walk at the park and then laid on the bio-mat. It's chock-full of vibrating crystals and is supposed to juice you up good. I'm not too sure about that, but it is warm and quiet and a good place for a nap.

Then we came home and I cleaned out the tomato vines, rotated the compost, and inspected the brussels sprouts and cabbages. They've already survived a couple of hard freezes, so I'm thinking they might be indestructible. I'm just going to let them grow; they're part of my emergency kit. They're the perfect post-earthquake food: see the slug holes? You can get your meat and vegetables all at the same time. I've looked into cooking slugs before without too much success, but I have not previously considered slug cabbage rolls.

But wait! It gets even better! There is nothing I like better than giving unsolicited advice and I was presented with a golden opportunity this afternoon. One of my charming friends, who shall remain nameless so she won't kill me, mentioned how annoying her husband is being. Not that I would know anything about that, but I do know a most excellent technique for relieving negative feelings. It's called energy tapping, and I've written about it before. I know, it sounds a little weird but I have used it successfully in multiple ways. So, naturally, I cheerfully offered my expertise in this arena, and I'm sure everything is fine now.

Now I am having wine and watching 'The Cat from Outer Space'; it never gets old! Did I mention the wine? Good night!

Veteran's Day

Happy Veteran's Day! I actually think our veterans would be much better served with adequate pay, benefits and support than with a day of celebration in November. I guess it's a nice gesture. That makes lots of money for corporate America, no doubt. Sort of like Mother's Day and Father's Day. Tons of cashola for retail giants but no family friendly policies anywhere in sight. So that's business as usual. Have a nice day, veterans! Sorry about that TBI; you know how it is. We found a corporation that had to pay a few bucks in taxes, so we have to remedy that instead of fixing your head that we damaged in the first place. Among other issues, veterans are much more likely to be unemployed than non-veterans, and non-veterans aren't doing all that well, employment-wise, these days. Lots of families don't have enough food- it's a great time to donate to Northwest Harvest or a food bank near you. You can probably donate right at the cash register the next time you go grocery shopping.

Anyway, moving on, because that is super depressing, I got a new pair of boots today! The guilt-inducing ones I ordered last week came today. They are quite fabulous, and Shane turned the box into a WALL-E type contraption and wore it around the house all day with nothing else on except his teeny-tiny tighty whities- SUPER CUTE! Also, I discovered what Lloyd and the boys do all day. I strapped Shane in his seat this afternoon to hit the grocery store, and he said, "I would like to go to Starbucks for a hot chocolate and a blueberry scone, please."

Sorry I didn't post all week- I MEANT to, but there was this giant hurricane-ish storm in the Bering Sea so I had to work from 0'dark thirty to a million o' clock all week. Lloyd was gone, too, requiring painful, expensive and exhausting child care machinations. Thank God I get a celebratory day in May! I'm not sure about this standard time thing, either. It seems like it shouldn't be THAT big of a deal but I have not been sleeping properly ever since we fell back. It's such a stupid idea, anyway: it's not as if we REALLY get any more daylight. I have an idea! Let's donate Mother's Day, and bust it up into 24 one hour chunks, which we can then spread out for an actual extra hour on 24 different days! Brilliant, right?

And call me crazy, but I am getting some new-to-me cats tomorrow. I found them on Craigslist, and one of them looks exactly like Henry! We have been easing into the idea for a while, but the Fur Real cat Weston got at the Goodwill last week was the final straw for Lloyd. He said if we're going to have that creepy hideous thing around here, we might as well have real cats, as long as they're free. Lloyd has a real aversion to paying good money for used cats, especially if that money could be used for hot chocolates and blueberry scones. I'll keep you posted.

Have a good weekend!

Winter

I think summer might be over, you guys. At least at my house. We had to turn on the heat yesterday, but it doesn't do any good because no one around here knows how to close a door, as far as I can tell. So the net effect is that we're contributing to global warming twice: once when we consume the energy that runs the heater, and then again when the generated heat flows out into the great outdoors. And I'm STILL freezing. This is a serious affront to my love of efficiency, and something needs to be done. I have the perfect solution, too; I just can't decide if I should lock Lloyd and the boys OUTSIDE or INSIDE until next May.

That's not the only blow I'm suffering, either. Lloyd has convinced me to give up my beloved compost pile as we prepare for a possible move sometime in the not super distant future. Of course, we don't know where or when this will be but we DO know that not everyone adores a giant steaming pile of decomposing vegetation as much as I do, and that it's not something we are willing to box up and move. Too bad we no longer have access to those Korean movers; they would pack that stuff up in a jiffy and not even bat an eye. I can not even tell you how much I despise throwing away perfectly good carrot peelings, egg shells and coffee grounds. It offends my very soul, but I'm a practical girl, so what are you going to do, right?

AND, our fancy stainless steel fridge went kaput the other day, freezing everything solid. The motherboard went bad; since when does a refrigerator need a motherboard? It's not like I need it to navigate to Mars or perform laser surgery. My next one is going to be from 1972. Or maybe I'll just use Lloyd's giant white cooler. You know, the one that's big enough to fit my dead body in, if a few things are chopped off first. Or maybe we'll go without! Lots of people do, very successfully. You can read about it here. And here. Tempting, very tempting. As it is, I have to go throw out pounds and pounds of previously perfectly good food. AND I CAN'T EVEN PUT IT IN THE COMPOST! The rats are CURSING MY NAME right now.

In happier news, I am finally getting a good crop of tomatoes- I have been getting Romas for a week or two but now the regular rounds ones are getting ripe also. About time, it's the middle of freaking September for Pete's sake. Oops, I sound a little pinchy again, don't I? I think I should have called this 'The Winter of my Discontent'. But at least I have juicy, delicious tomatoes!

There is a reason for my discontent, naturally. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the death of my mother, so that is super sucky. I've really been quite cross and out of sorts, too. Even more than usual, I mean. Mostly I've been laying on the couch, lacking the energy to do anything except scream at whoever left the door open again or get another cookie, but I did attempt a bit of retail therapy. See my snappy red canvas bag? Note the wine bottle for scale. The purse is a sporty little number, and it was acquired for a mere $1.29 at the Goodwill tag sale last week. It's quite lovely and does cheer me a bit to look at it. Or maybe it's the wine bottle that lifts my spirits. Whatever works, I always say. So bottoms up! I also say that a lot, come to think of it. See you on the couch, friends, and have a good weekend.

Disaster

Holy smokes, people! I have been on such a trip, you would not even believe it. See the helicopter? Oh yes, I got the bird's eye view of the beautiful state of Maryland from a military helicopter. There was a hurricane, you know. Maybe you heard about it. As result, my office sent me on an epic cross-country adventure. I was working in the state EOC (emergency operations center) one day, minding my own beeswax (my beeswax consists primarily of filling out forms and reports on a pre-determined schedule and "coordinating" with a bunch of people that possess varying degrees of charm and competence, and is mostly a better-left-unblogged story for another day) when the boss lady practically wrenched my arm off dragging me out to the landing pad. On the way, she said, "You can go in a helicopter, right?" Ummm, yes? I mean, it's not as if she was wanting me to fly the thing. I was a little concerned when they started asking about my next of kin and making me sign forms so that after I died in a fiery crash they could use my charred corpse for the chow hall, but whatever. I've always been a girl that's happy to take one for the team. So I hopped on, the crew chief slapped a truly terrifying and complicated harness arrangement and some headphones on me, and off we went into the wild blue yonder.

You guys all know how readily I get motion sickness, right? And in the interest of full disclosure, I was also working off one too many glasses of hootch from the night before. It's not as if I was planning on going on a nauseating spin through the Maryland sky, after all. Lucky for me I was wearing my friend Gretchen's coat. I had borrowed it earlier because the EOC was FREEZING and I had dumped coffee all over my own coat. The helicopter was plenty warm, but I definitely felt I needed to be prepared to hurl in something. As it turns out, my seatmate was in a similar condition, so I spread out the sleeves, one for each of us. It was touch and go for a while, but everything stayed inside where it belonged. You're welcome, Gretchen!

On the way home, I took a little extra time to see a couple of my sweet friends that I hadn't seen in much too long. Love you guys! Unfortunately, I have a bunch more just-as-sweet friends that I didn't get to see but I will definitely try to catch everyone else next time. Love you guys, too! This is a picture of Helen's new dog, Sherlock. He is a 5.5 month old lab and he acts EXACTLY as you'd expect from looking at the picture.

On another note, it's Labor Day. I feel strongly about labor, social and consumer issues but I'm also very lazy. It's sort of a bad combination, so to assuage my guilt, I am sharing this post I wrote two years ago for Labor Day. To keep up on all the latest on labor and the shenanigans of corporate America, check out Mother Jones. You won't be sorry! And if you don't know who Mother Jones was, you can read about her here. She is definitely one of my heroes: I'm a great admirer of courage. I hope you are all having a fabulous long weekend!

On a Roll

Dang, people! I am on a roll: I have posted for three days in a row, so I'm going for four. It's like starting a diet as you come off a nasty stomach flu or a particularly bad couple of days after tripping over the fine line between Saturday night and Sunday morning (paraphrasing here; thanks, Jimmy Buffet!) I was going to put a link in the text there, but let's face it: if you don't already know who Jimmy Buffett is you definitely should not be reading this blog.

So, what's new and exciting around here? Well, I have several things I would like to post pictures of, but Lloyd is fishing today with the camera. Wait, that didn't come out right. Lloyd is fishing, with a fishing pole, and he took the camera with him. To take pictures of the fish, after he catches them by using a fishing pole. THERE. I am quite looking forward to him getting home, so he can take pictures of the giant swollen bruise on the inside of my left wrist. And of the robots. Oh, and also because I like fish. My bruise is not related to either robots or fish, but rather skates. The kind you roll recklessly around on, not the kind that swim in the ocean and might be caught with a fishing pole.

I went inline skating today at lunch, for the first time in many months, and as you might guess, took a nice little spill, leaving me with a 6" by 2" linear, curved bruise from the base of my thumb, down my wrist and partway up my arm. It is currently an attractive shade of green with mottled purplish-red splotches. I have yet to check my butt, so I will spare you the description of that. I was quite shocked, as I am pretty cautious and rarely fall.

Afterward, I kept thinking of the worst skating accident I have ever had. I was working at an Air Force base, doing construction inspection. I liked to skate around the airfield at lunch, and one sunny day I was out in the back forty, where there was a small hilly section, about as far from where I started as I could possibly get. The sun was shining through some trees, making spots on the ground, so I missed seeing some leaves fallen on the path. I went down hard, right on the back of my upper leg. I had to skate all the way back, of course, and when I got to my office I found that I had a serious road rash, about the size of a dinner plate, from my underwear line about halfway down my hamstring. This wouldn't have been so much of a problem for someone a little more gracile; you probably would have just had a little saucer-sized wound, but I definitely had a large plate's, or maybe even a serving platter's worth. Then it started oozing blood and that yellowy sticky stuff, and I had to go to some meetings. My pants stuck to it and all the stinky old construction guys thought I was weird. And I am, but I just had a perfectly understandable sports injury! Geez! When I got home I had to take a bath with my clothes on to get it unstuck and it hurt for at least a week. Wow, that is a gross and unpleasant story! Aren't you glad I posted today?!?!?! Also, you should FOR SURE take up rollerblading right away.

I'm not sorry, though- it was an absolutely gorgeous day, and if Cliff Mass is to be believed, we will soon be suffering another brutal northwest winter, regretting every second we wasted with Facebook or Tom and Jerry whilst the sun shone. This would definitely be a good time to make sure you have an emergency kit in your house, and all your vehicles, too. Last year hundreds, if not thousands, of people were stranded on highways around here for 18 hours in a snowstorm. Just think about that, being trapped in your car on a frozen highway amongst your fellow starving commuters. What are you going to eat? Your seat covers? The skinny guy in the Lexus parked next to you? Oh, I know you could totally take him, but he's likely to be stringy. Would it kill you to have some granola bars, a blanket, a container to pee in, some cash to pay off the crazy-eyed woman in an Odyssey so she won't eat you? Just a little something for you to consider while you're shopping for your new skates. Ta-ta for now!

The Government is Not Your Mother

I try to be a nice person, really I do.When people appear to be doing super moronic things, I try to remind myself that it is remotely possible that I don't completely understand all the circumstances surrounding what looks like sheer idiocy and that if I did, perhaps the idiocy would make perfect sense. Just the other day, for an example, I was at the thrift store when a woman went into a dressing room with a baby strapped into a car seat and a giant pile of clothes.

About thirty seconds later, the baby started screaming, then howling. Ceaselessly. The aisles outside the dressing room were full of judgypants talking about her mothering skills and what she should be doing instead. I thought to myself, perhaps that woman isn't as stupid as it sounds like she is. Maybe she hasn't been able to get to the thrift store for MONTHS and today is the only day she can go and maybe all her other clothes besides the ones she walked in here in are in tatters! Or maybe she is deaf and can't hear that baby bellowing at 500 decibels. Also, I tried to imagine what might make those people outside the dressing room act like such nasty, superior know-it-alls. Perhaps they don't like the way their own kids turned out. I think that's pretty likely, because they were all old ladies, as is so often the case in situations like this. Maybe they just don't remember how endlessly trying small babies can be when you are trying to do just one single simple thing. Compassion is my middle name!

So, I don't think I'm being overly harsh when I need to vent about how dumb some people are. As you know, there are some serious problems right now with flooding in the midwest and the aftermath of some extremely brutal tornadoes in the south. Now, everyone knows that if they live in a place where there is a potential for floods, tornadoes, earthquakes, blizzards, widescale power outage, drought, disruption of rail, roads, ports or water supply, they should have an emergency kit, right? And that is EVERYONE, that lives ANYWHERE ON THE ENTIRE EARTH. EVERYBODY, DO YOU HEAR ME? Everybody needs an emergency kit. There are many, many places where you can look to get ideas about what you need. But here are some things that should be total no-brainers: food, water, first aid items, any prescription medicines or other needed medical supplies, and cash.

Seriously, how misguided would someone have to be to NOT have these things? Oh, and how about INSURANCE? Everybody with any kind of functioning brain should know that they need to be prepared for emergency situations, because guess what? THEY ACTUALLY HAPPEN. Do people thing the government is going to help them? That is pretty hilarious, because my office doesn't even have money for printer paper, and it gets worse every day. No one wants to pay taxes to fund anything and then they whine like babies when the government is not there to bail them out. Well, plus DC wasted all its money bailing out Wall Street and Detroit, because it loves corporations and hates people, but that is immaterial at the present time and also it makes me VERY ANGRY and I am already having the worst Mother's Day ever, so I'll just go on with my point, shall I?

My point is that we must take responsibility for ourselves, which appears to be a novel concept to some folks. Below are some actual published comments from people affected by flooding and tornadoes. Certainly, these people are facing some problems, but if they'd done a little preparation, they would have much better things to do than annoy me on the computer, and we would all be MUCH happier. So please, I am BEGGING you, do not become one of these people. For the love of God, if you are diabetic and need blood test strips, HAVE SOME IN YOUR KIT! Have your own damn water, canned food and snacks. Is it that hard? If you do not have an emergency kit and plan, get one. RIGHT NOW. The end.

1. (facebook comment responding to a post with information about availability of medical supplies) now its posted after my wife almost went into a coma from her sugar because I could,nt find any test strips

2. (facebook comment) What is being done for Northern Alabama? My family is is a warzone like area on Sand Mtn and they have no communication. How are they being helped? Where is their relief aid?

3. (facebook post and reply)

From Tide: There has been a slight change in the location for Loads of Hope. We will begin washing TOMORROW MORNING @8am at University Mall 1701 McFarland Blvd East Tuscaloosa, AL 35404. Our plan is to be here until at least May 12, 2011 – loads are limited to two per family per day. Please share this post and help spread the word.

Thanks

(comment from the biggest moron on the face of the planet) WHAT?!!! limit 2 per family!! The Government needs to do better then that to help the people and community and Volunteers their should be a unlimited supplies!!! This is why I hate the government they say the are prepared now when a disaster strikes LMFAO their are not so prepared Step to it!!!

4. (newspaper article) Michalle Treadaway, who has been staying in her home even though part of the roof was torn off and the foundation was damaged, said she hasn't gotten much help from FEMA yet. When she called to report her damage because she had no insurance, she said the person she spoke to couldn't give her an idea of what to do next.

In the meantime, she has relied on the volunteers in town, who come by in cars, golf carts, ATVs and on foot several times an hour to offer her cold water, canned food and snacks.

"I'm worried when they go away, there will be nothing," Treadaway said.

Bad Pennies

I despise the neighbor kid; is that bad? He is a creepy little know-it-all and I loathed him on sight. He is one of the kids that is always riding bikes around the neighborhood and he often comes over to see if the boys can come out. They usually don't want to play with him but he is constantly out there. He ALWAYS has a lot to say and knows everything about everything. Today he told me how to fix Shane's training wheels and was very put out when I did not follow instructions.

It's a gorgeous day here- the sun is shining, there's a little breeze and it's about 68 degrees. The sheep next door are getting their spring haircuts, to their loud sheeply dismay. It's so beautiful, in fact, that one of the kids told me he wanted to come in, because "it's too hot". This is the damage wrought by seventeen straight months of rain, wind, sleet, hail and snow, Seattle. See that you don't do it again and we'll call it even this time. But before they started suffering from heat exhaustion, they were out riding bikes in front of our house and he-who-shall-not-be-named turned up around the time Weston found a penny in the street. Apparently, he then asked to see it, and then took off without giving it back, saying Weston had given it to him.

Naturally, this was VERY distressing, and Weston came in the house seeking advice about how to deal with this travesty. I think he was sincerely shocked that someone could do something like that, and this kid is older, so Weston finds him intimidating. But guess what? I had absolutely NO IDEA what one should do in a situation like this. Seriously, I was completely befuddled, so I just gave him a new penny and told him that we were lucky to see what kind of a person this little jerk was at the cost of just one cent and maybe he's not the kind of guy we want to be hanging around with. After puzzling over that for a few minutes, Weston went out looking thoughtful, and then yelled at him until he gave the penny back.

All's well that ends well, I always say, and now I'm thinking of asking Weston how he thinks I should deal with that crazy guy in my office.

Hamster Ball

A hamster ball could be any one of a legion of things: a hairy little testicle, a party where rodents go dancing, a party where people dressed up as rodents go dancing, or a game where you kick hamsters into a goal or whack them over a net. The possibilities are endless, and I now have about a zillion new ideas just awaiting further development; feel free to borrow them! Look away now if you are a PETA member- it's just going to get worse and I'm not at all squeamish about inventing other, more bloody, ways to entertain myself. Judgmentalfreakball, anyone? BYOBAPOB (Bring your own bat and plenty of beer)!

But I've been thinking about a different kind of hamster ball lately- the clear plastic kind that the little critters can cruise around the house in without getting stepped on or peeing on the carpet. Not that we have any hamsters, of course. The boys simply refuse to try them, even when I fry them up like nuggets and serve them with ranch and a nice side of fava beans. I swear, kids today, they're so SPOILED. The truth is, the hamster ball is for me.

Remember that John Travolta movie where he played the boy in the plastic bubble? I got to thinking about that the other day because I am very, very sick of dead soldiers, earthquakes, tsunamis, radiation, psycho politicians, the Supreme Court, corporate greed, the economy, the dreary weather, and all the rest, making a plastic isolation bubble extremely appealing. I need to move around, though, and I'm pretty sure a giant hamster ball would be an outstanding solution. It will have a number of attractive design features, including my friend Lisa's idea for a wine-filled drinking bottle. It will have curtains that I can draw when I can't look at the worms in my living room or the pee in the boys' tub anymore, an artificial source of sunlight for all those super rainy days, and some high-grade soundproofing. For work.

I even have the perfect name for it: The Nut Ball. Interested? Call me!

Thanksgiving

Check it out, people! White Thanksgiving! We have had the craziest weather this week.

If you live in a place where it regularly snows, you would pee your pants if you saw what happens here with a little snow accumulation. Total gridlock on the roads, jackknifed buses, people stuck on the freeway for twelve hours or more, going nowhere. Seriously, it is complete pandemonium.

Lucky for me, I live about two miles from my office and didn't have any trouble commuting. Not so lucky for me, I had to take a little field trip with one of my new co-workers. Not too far, it probably normally takes about an hour. The trip there wasn't that bad; the storm was just starting. I knew how stupid it was to be heading out, too, but what are you going to do, right? The trip back was pretty brutal, though. I was almost dead certain I was going to have to kill and eat him, then pick my teeth with his beard hairs. I'm so new in the office that the people there haven't yet learned how hostile I can be when I don't get my snacks in a timely manner. If anyone from there is reading this, I like Skittles. And make it snappy, 'kay? Or you might regret it.

YES, this DOES have something to do with Thanksgiving, geez! This year I am thankful that I wasn't hauled to the pokey with bloodstains on one of my fancy new office blouses. Those things are hell to get out, you know.

Moving on, because most of you probably aren't fans of cannibalism, the snow turned to rain about mid-morning and the roads cleared quickly. We had a lovely dinner here at our house with all the fam, and Lloyd didn't even stage a surprise emergency drill, though I suspect he was SORELY tempted. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you; I hope you have had a fabulous day!