Monday, February 28, 2011

Happy Quakiversary!

You might not know this, but today is the 10th anniversary of the Nisqually Earthquake. This would be an excellent time to make sure you're prepared. I know you have plenty of Skittles and wine. If not, don't bother coming to camp out on my trampoline. But one thing you might not have considered for your earthquake kit is extra husbands. As you probably do know, I work for an employer that is sometimes concerned with emergency management. We have staff meetings every Monday, which are usually EXTREMELY torturous. Today, though, our staff meeting was the best EVER, and it was suggested that extra husbands could come in very handy for certain things. So you might want to try it. Just an idea. Or maybe just do a trade-in, whichever.

A few other quick items to note, mostly because having pictures of my dead cat at the top of my dead cat blog is just too, too depressing:

-In coming attractions, a trip report and hare-brained scheme from my recent trip to Vegas with the fantastic Helen; and

-In the book department, I cannot recommend 'Walter the Farting Dog', because drawings of Walter, when he was extra rotund and distended with gas, reminded Shane that I have a humungous tummy, so clearly this book sucks, and probably the endless sequels are equally revolting.

-In other book news, I can definitely recommend 'Paradise Built in Hell' by Rebecca Solnit. It is fascinating, and you should read it. Also, it will inspire you to buy more wine and Skittles, and then I will inspire you to come to my house.

Happy Quakiversary!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

It sucks having a dead cat

I am very sad to report that Henry, the world's most magnificent cat, is dead. He went out one evening and didn't come home. The next morning, a nearby vet's office called to tell us that one of the staff there found him on the road on her way to work. He was chipped, so they were able to find us. We picked him up and buried him in the backyard. I really don't have anything else to say, except for it sucks having a dead cat.

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Suckiest Birthday

Last year, I had the longest birthday ever. It was the day we came home from Korea. In the year that we've been back, we've battled boils, suffered a vicious 4th of July casualty followed by reconstructive surgery, endured multiple short stints in crash pads, moved into a tiny house with three large houseloads of goods consolidated from three different corners of the globe, bought a new-to-us car, adopted Henry, started a new job, began homeschooling and oh yeah, my mother died.

This year, for my birthday, I was looking forward to a nice quiet family party. Which we had, except for the quiet part. I felt like roadkill all weekend and didn't leave the house. I even had to lay on the couch while I was eating the delicious cake my sister made. That was a real bummer, let me tell you. I can't figure out if my malaise results simply from the crushing weight of my dead mother, or if I might also actually be physically ill. I suspect the latter, because I have also been having earaches, which require me to drip a concoction of sesame oil and garlic in there. It cures the earache quickly, but it gives me an insatiable craving for teriyaki. I guess I should be grateful it works so well and I haven't had to try the urine cure.

So! Another year down the drain, another birthday in the books. Thank God it only lasted 24 hours this year.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Bloody Hell

I don't even know how to start this story, so I'll just hop right in. I get myself in the worst fixes that way. If you ever hear me say, "There's only one way to find out!" or "How bad can it be?" just do yourself a favor and RUN. But I'm sure my story will come out fine, right?! Here goes:

I had a dentist appointment this morning, so I left work early. Luckily, my dentist is near a Goodwill, and it is also near a blood donation center. I have been wanting to give blood for a while. I used to do it, but it always made me queasy and lightheaded, and so I stopped. But blood donations kept my mother alive for a while, and I've been wanting to donate. Just a note for my Korea/Europe friends: living in Songtan will not disqualify you to donate blood products when you are back in the U.S., but some European locations may. I think it has something to do with those anemic Brits, but I don't know for sure. Also, there are some new creepy diseases to watch out for, like Chagras and Babesiosis (which I bet is not NEARLY as fun as it sounds).

After fortifying myself with a 7-11 Coke Slurpee and my beloved sea salt and pepper Kettle Chips (no FTC disclosure needed, this post is not sponsored by 7-11, Coke, or Kettle, though I would dearly love it to be!) I went into the blood center. I hadn't been for quite some time, so it took them a while to dig me up in the computer. When they found me, my birthday was off by a year, on the old side. This made the volunteer at the desk nervous that she had the wrong person, and while she was performing another records search, I recalled why the date was wrong.

See, I was a year younger than the rest of my high school class, and was thus not quite old enough to donate when the bloodmobile came around, so I just moved my birthday back one year. When I was regularly donating, I could remember that I had lied and so would just tell them the fake date that matched their data, so it wasn't an issue. I decided the time had come to 'fess up, so I told her the truth. Well, she thought that was so funny that she told the whole staff and they all thought it was so cute that I had wanted to donate so badly that I had lied about my birthday. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I did it for the extra credit, which I desperately needed. This will probably not shock you, but I was not the most industrious student in high school, though I was enormously talented at bootlegging animal beer. This post is also not sponsored by Schmidt, though I would dearly love it to be (CALL ME; I accept beer in lieu of cash!)

Then, they asked where I had gone to school, and when I admitted that I had gone to Auburn High, they told me that to this day, good old AHS has the best turnout for high school blood donors in the entire Puget Sound. I know they must think it's because Auburn's teenage citizens are the most civic-minded, generous, plump-veined kids in all of South King County. Sadly, though, unless things have changed significantly in the ever-so-brief period since I left, I'm pretty sure it's just because AHS is the home of the kids that need the most extra credit. And cheap beer.

I did get several compliments on my nice plump Auburn veins. I often do, they are quite appealing to a certain segment of the population. Funny, no one ever mentions my stunning looks, my brilliant conversation or my charming personality. Oh, well, I'll take what I can get, I guess. And guess what? The whole time they were sucking my blood, I felt perfectly fine.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Am I the only one who thinks morning showers are a colossal waste of time? I especially loathe how I have to wash my hair, and then it's a wet tangled mess that I have to DO something with. And then my skin is wet and it's hard to get dressed, and since I have to go to work there is a time limit associated with it. I have to find a clean towel, or at least one that is not covered in cat hair or little boy pee. Geez, it's all such a giant pain in my ass.

And for what? So I can do it all over again the next day? Man, it's worse than dishes! At least if I don't wash the dishes people will still be willing to sit next to me in the interminable staff meeting. I mean, if there's no other seats.

I've always been a bit of a hippie, you know; mineral deodorant and tea tree oil instead of lady speed stick, ixnay on the ipsticklay, and I drink organic wine whenever I can. Heck, I even like patchouli and shoes that look like baked potatoes!

So I think it's time for a change. I'm going to be revolting soon, like the Egyptian freedom fighters. Come on, you know those people are good and dirty now, after weeks of marching in the streets, and I, for one, am very pleased with their heroic efforts. REVOLTING IS GOOD, PEOPLE! JOIN ME, IF YOU DARE!

Next on the chopping block: dental hygiene.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Because I Like to Share....

Here are some fantastic websites I have recently discovered: Check out the 'Open Letters to People or Entities Unlikely to Respond'; HILARIOUS! This is a Little House site; all you really need to know before clicking over in pure wonder is that they sponsor 'Laurapalooza'. Wendy is obsessed with Laura Ingalls and writes books about 1970's Weight Watchers recipe cards. And her Laura Ingalls obsession.