DOGGAMMIT

I didn't want a dog. Seriously, if you'd asked me one second before I saw her if I wanted a dog, I would have said 'HELL, NO!' Then I might have punched you in the face for asking such a stupid question. Then I saw Samantha, and I wanted a dog. Not A dog, THAT dog.  She's a beautiful, glossy gracile black lab, and belongs to a friend of a friend who needs to find a new home for her.  I convinced myself this was a good idea, and then she came over for a sniffing session. She cheerfully and enthusiastically bounded out of the car and within .0063 seconds she had lunged and bitten Lloyd, so we had to pass.  I mean, biting Lloyd is one thing, but we can't have her attacking the neighbor kids. Sure, they might be little assholes but if it was socially acceptable to bite little assholes my mouth would be sore and bloody all the damn time.

Of course, the boys were heartbroken because they were SO excited about getting a dog, and now if you asked me if I wanted a dog I would probably just punch you in the face because I wouldn't know what to say, and I hate it when I don't know what to say. Also I'm a little nuts so displaced anger is one of my go-to strategies. On that note, I joined a gym today; they have a punching bag and I'm pretty excited about displacing my anger onto that. I'm not sure how well it will work but at least I can bash up my fists instead of my mouth for a while. I'll let you know how it goes if I can still type.  I guess if my mouth isn't sore I could use my face, or I could try my toes. Really, I have a lot of body parts that aren't earning their keep on a regular basis.

Anyway, back to this dog thing, because I'm starting to seethe again: I can't decide if I should look for a different dog or if I should just repeatedly punch myself in the face. Undoubtedly, if I look for a dog for long enough, I'll find one. And then I'll convince myself it's a good idea. And then I'll have a dog. And I might have mentioned this before, but I don't want a dog. DOGGAMMIT.

Now it's Monday night and the boys have been cross ALL weekend.  It's Veteran's Day, you know, so it's a LONG weekend, too. And if I wasn't so lazy I'd write an indignant post about how we stiff veterans every damn day so we can give tax breaks to Exxon, but I'm lazy. Did I mention that? So here, have a link to my 2011 Veteran's Day post instead.  Interestingly, as I reread that one, I see that I was about to get some recycled cats. Perhaps I have fall/winter SAD or something that makes me want pets. And by SAD, I mean 'Stupid Ass Decisions'.  It goes nicely with my ADD; what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the severe crossness we've had here ALL this whole LONG INTERMINABLE weekend.  Things are starting to look up, though, as bedtime approaches. Only a few more hours and the boys will have survived by the skin of their teeth. I was going to work at home tomorrow but I'm going to work at the crack of dawn because I don't want to push my luck.  If I'm feeling generous and have a little magically regenerated patience I might even brush my teeth first.  I'd go now but the babysitter doesn't get here until morning. DOGGAMMIT.

Well, toodles! When I start repeatedly taking dog's name in vain it's time to hit the wine. Have a good week, my friends!

Easter

Happy Easter! Oh, I know Easter is not actually until tomorrow. I have just never felt especially bound by convention, and besides, my sister did all the work and she said we were having Easter today. If she hadn't done all the work, we wouldn't have even HAD Easter. I told that to some people in the office the other day and they looked at me as if I had two heads, both with horns. I didn't realize not wanting to tell lies to your kids about some giant imaginary rabbit and then bust your ass to hide eggs full of sugar and chemicals for them to ingest was so controversial. But I guess it is.

So, we went to Grandpa's house, he cooked a ham, Jennifer made all the kids lovely baskets, Stefan hid about 4,372 eggs and a great time was had by all. Even the dogs and the garden statues were all decked out for the occasion. You'll note Ranger has a yellow Easter bunny attached to his collar. Do you guys think the Easter bunny really is yellow? I'm not a huge fan of holidays in general, especially ones that create work for me, and I've been coveting that snappy lemon-colored coat, you know. But I could go with a fur cape, too. The ears could attach around the front in a jaunty bow, what do you think? I've seen pink and green Easter bunnies, too, though, and those aren't really my colors so much. At least this season. Oooh, that gives me an idea for winter, too: can't you just see me in a deep red velvet? With white trim!

The kids especially enjoyed playing in the dirt pile in the driveway- they got out bowls and dumped in some pond water to make concrete. Something about the Easter bunny sleeping with the fishes, I dunno. You don't think my cape will be ruined if he gets waterlogged, do you? One thing I really require in a garment is that it can be easily laundered. I suppose he has to shower, what with all that hopping and egg-delivering, so you'd think it could go in the wash. In any event, all four of the kids got all muddy, marked up the garbage bins with dirty handprints to trick Grandpa into thinking there were aliens there, dug holes in the lawn, made piles to look like poop and threw dirt clods at each other. Then Jennifer came out and gave me the stinkeye for letting them get so dirty. I keep thinking she'll stop letting me watch them one of these days but no luck so far. It was BARELY questionable activity, anyway, not like they were chasing each other with sharp tools. At least not for very long. Then Stefan finally got sick of the mess and gave them an involuntary hosing down; they threw fits and we all went home. About the usual holiday outing, all things considered.

On the brown sweater front, I have been shopping multiple times with very limited success. I went to Goodwill today and while THE sweater continues to elude me, I did see two things that I dropped off the week before, which always amuses me. I'm not sure why, except that I am apparently very easily entertained.

And that's the Easter report from here; I hope you all have a great weekend!

Dogs and Ninjas

This is Ranger.

Isn't he FANTASTIC? You might remember him from previous posts such as this one about Hurricane Ivan, or this one about a mentally ill chicken. He is staying with us for a little while because my dad is out of town. The boys love having him and play with him constantly. They've been hounding us for a dog for a while but so far we've been holding out. They have about a million stuffed dogs, all with names, and they act out elaborate games with them, for HOURS on end. After one of these games, Shane informed me that he needed a real metal sword, in case ninjas attack. I thought that was what dogs were for, but I guess not. He was also extremely ticked off when I told him he could not have his own lighter. I'm not sure if that would also be for the ninjas, or if he just really, really wants a lighter. It's sometimes hard to tell with that one.

Since they love dogs so much, we sometimes let them watch 'Old Yeller'. You probably know the film. It's cute and all, until the end when the beloved mutt gets rabies and has to be shot. Usually we stop it before the end, much like Phoebe's mother did (video clip), only last time Lloyd was asleep at the switch*. Now Weston doesn't want to go outside because he's afraid of rabid animals, and he's terrified Ranger is going to die. He made me google the world's oldest dogs, and you guys are not going to believe this: multiple dogs have lived to be almost 30 years old. Damn, that is a LONG time to have a dog, people. Not that I don't like dogs.

Ranger is great and we love having him here at the Dead Cat Dog Hotel. Only he sheds about a pomeranian every other day, and our vacuum cleaner is broken. The belt came off, probably because it has to suck up so many marbles, rubber bands, and pens. We ordered some new belts, but they're not here yet. I say belts with an 's' because I'm definitely not going to stop sucking up toys and office supplies any time soon and some spares will probably come in handy. We had company this weekend, too, and the shop-vac was still out of commission, so I was forced to improvise. I had a couple of ideas, but we had hidden all the lighters so that ruled out two or three of them, and I didn't want to run the leaf blower in the house because of the exhaust. In the end I just distracted our guests with copious amounts of ice cream and beer. They barely noticed when Ranger tried to hump their legs, and I'm sure the pillowy brown piles of dogshed in all the corners totally escaped their notice. Or maybe not, I don't care. I like beer and ice cream, too. In fact, I think I'm going to go have some right now. Thinking about all that dog hair makes me peckish.

As a parting gift, here is Shane, channeling his inner dog:

*After reading this, Lloyd informed me that he wasn't actually slacking off, he purposely let them watch to the end, because 'it was time'. So now it's time for him to clean the basement AND he's in charge of all dead dog and rabies questions from now until eternity.

Entertaining

Some entertaining things I have been reading that I need to share-

1. this article about male lactation. Apparently, this can be successful and is routinely practiced in some parts of the world. Think of the possibilities, people!

2. a hilarious lost cat saga, sent to me by my brother-on-law after we inadvertently became a naive family of poodle rescuers. This story is coming soon to a blog near you.

3. the best ad EVER on craigslist: Hello, the other day i lost my black backpack which contained 5 steel reserves, a realistic old man mask, an 8th of weed, and a rasta colored bong, if you found it, all i want is the mask and bong back, you can keep the weed and beer. I lost it in magnolia near 27th street, thanks

I just really, really want to know what the mask is for. So much so that I might respond to the ad in an effort to find out.