So many inventions, so little time...

Gosh, I have been SO busy lately! New house, new job, this and that and blah, blah, BLAH. I haven't even had ONE second to work on my latest inventions. The first one on the docket is a special clock. I might have mentioned how tricky it is to know if I should be drinking coffee or wine between 6 and 8. Is it A.M. or is it P.M.? Who knows?!?! All those greek words or whatever are way too complicated. No, what I need is an easy-peasy way to tell what I should be sucking down. So here's my idea: a clock that displays a coffee cup symbol from midnight to noon, and a wine glass from noon to midnight. That's just the default setting, of course; it's totally adjustable if those don't suit you for drinking hours. You could have different symbols, too. Martini glasses at night, say, and Gatorade bottles for morning. Whatever floats your boat, I always say!

Then, when I'm done with that, I need to devise a code so Lloyd and I can discuss things in front of the boys. Weston is an accomplished little speller now, so that's out, and Lloyd inexplicably neither speaks nor understands pig latin. Atwhay ethay uckfay, right?? He sometimes tries to use the military alphabet, so 'toy' would be tango oscar yankee, but I don't have the attention span for that. Plus I can never remember all the letters, so it's a good thing I'm not trying to call in artillery support or something. As it is, I'm worried Weston is going to get a remote control can for his birthday. So if anyone has a good code, let me know because I gotta get that clock done soon. Usually it doesn't matter if I mix up my beverages, but I'm starting a new job soon, so it's pretty urgent that I get a handle on that.

Really, Pat Conroy?

I know, I'm the worst blogger EVER. It's so pathetic that Lauren with her newborn can churn out the posts while I sit here and molder like a mildewy pile of laundry. 'Course, she can't drive so I guess she doesn't have anything better to do, but still, it's sad... very, very sad. I do have plenty of good excuses: it's hard to be me, ya'all! The list of things that are suppressing my natural charm and optimistic outlook is long and epic, rendering me unable to blog, cook, clean.... Normally, my house and children would be spotless and I'd have a clever post every damn day. As it is, however, I just sit around drinking coffee or wine (depending on what the clock says; I only get confused in the hours between 6 and 8) and trying to bury my pesky consciousness in books. I'm not even kidding.

So, anywho, the other day I was all psyched when I saw 'South of Broad', Pat Conroy's latest novel, at the library. That should be good for some escapism, I thought. And his characters are always way more screwed up than me; that should be cheery! Man, what a disappointment! It's like he went to Stereotypes R Us and picked out a buggy (like that? It's my southern touch!) full of characters: arrogant white lawyer dude; plucky and smart black folks (two, please!); a couple of junior leaguers with a wild side; a coarse, rawboned mountain family with hearts of gold; and of course, the brilliant, damaged protagonist. In this book, his name is Leo King. In other, much better books, this guy's name is Ben Meacham, Tom Wingo or Will McLean. In this one, his name is.... hold on a minute, I can't remember, and I'm not even done with it yet. Oh yeah, Leo King, that's it.

He must have hired the actual writing out to someone who took a writing workshop from Danielle Steele, because the action and the dialogue is pretty much just jackhammered into your head without any hint of sublety whatsoever. It's so bad that if I didn't know better, I'd think it was Steele herself. I'd give you some examples but I can't bear to even type them. And here's the worst part so far: Leo and his shopworn collection of pals travel from Charleston to San Francisco to find one of their friends who is missing and presumed dying of A.I.D.S in the seedy part of town. They search and search, encountering all kinds of ham-handed ridiculousness, to no avail, until they meet a guy on the trolley trying to rob them. Turns out he's an ex-NFL player that they knew back in SC, fallen on hard times, and guess what? He knows where their friend is! Oh, happy day! Naturally, after they find their friend, they get this poor hapless clown into rehab and promise him a good job back home where he belongs.

Really, Pat Conroy? This is the best you can do? I don't think so. I don't know what's going on with you, but if you're tired of writing, for God's sake, do something else! As for me, I'm totally going to finish this book, that's how bad off I am. I have to go to bed now, but first thing in the morning, with my coffee. Or my wine, whichever.