Wanker List

Is 'wanker' my favorite word? One of my friends was speculating. I think it was sort of an insult, but what can you do, right? I can only say maybe, but only because it has to be. If there weren't so many dang wankers out there, my favorite word would be 'flowing rivers of cab with chocolate trees on the bank', now wouldn't it? That would be way better, believe you me. Do you think I LIKE having to call things 'wanker' all day? I DON'T. But some things just can't be helped, so here's my wanker list for today:

Edwards Air Force Base
State of Missouri
State of Louisiana (a perennial list-topper)
Target

I never thought Missouri would make the list, but there you have it. It has a lot going for it, what with that cool arch, and tons of my awesome friends live there, so it's pretty much a downer to have to put it on the list. And what of Target, you ask? How could our good old pal Target make the list? That red -spotted mecca I dreamed of from Osan while desperately searching the BX for some out of stock sundry? Surely I must have had too much wine, you say? Well, maybe, but no thanks to you, Target wanker! This afternoon I went in there to load up for a pizza party with the family, and carefully chose two bottles of Target's finest. My brother-in-law laughed himself silly when he heard I was trying to buy wine at Target, but they actually have a pretty nice selection.

When I went to the register, I was carded. And let me just say I have reached the legal drinking age. In fact, before too long I will have reached it twice. For identification, I presented my 'retired' status military ID card, which will not scan on their machines. I do this on purpose, because I am opposed to this ubiquitious scanning scam on privacy grounds. Today they want to scan your driver's license for personal information to be stored in their marketing database; tomorrow they're going to install a shunt in your spine so they can just start sucking you dry without even bothering with your debit card. You heard it here first. Didn't you guys ever see Tank Girl? We should all be very afraid. And I don't know why it only has 4.7 stars because it is the MOST FANTASTIC MOVIE EVER. Wankers.

Anyway, I was informed that because my ID wouldn't scan they require two clerks to verify my birth date. I waited patiently while the cashier called for assistance. I was quiet while she flipped her flashing light on. My tolerance started to wane, though, when she walked over to the customer service desk searching for an appropriate staff member to look at my birth date. I guess not all of them are qualifed to calculate my age because she passed about ten of those red shirt and khaki pant clad jokers. But when she asked me to wait while she rang up the person behind me, I couldn't stand it anymore and told her she could keep the wine. She probably needs it more than me anyway, especially when they come after her with the spine shunt. They always start with the employees. Take heed, people: this kind of thing NEVER happens at the thrift store.