is the worst houseguest ever

Wait, what? This isn't Facebook? Oh, yeah, okay. That's better anyway, because the bad guest list would take up way more room than those stupid status updates give you. Here, look for yourself:

Washed and dried large pocketful of sticky candy;

Broke double-yolk egg on cream colored carpet;

Splashed melted chocolate on carpet and assorted walls and doors;

Ran nightlight through washing machine.

Also, a previously healthy pet fish has died and another one is on the ropes. Coincidence? Perhaps. But if you've recently invited us to visit your home (or if we've invited ourselves, whichever) it won't hurt my feelings any if you change your mind. Do yourself a favor, people! At least throw down some tarps and take your pets to a safe place. Great, thanks! See you soon! I'll even bring the wine. You're gonna need it.