Thursday, June 16, 2011

Dead Cat Beauty Secrets

You know how the Fonz used to grab a comb and go to style his hair, and then stop with a super-cool ‘Aaaaaayyyyyyyyy’, because his ‘do was already perfect? That’s kind of how it is for me. Sometimes, when I’m getting ready for work, I throw down my make-up sponge and just say, ‘What the hell do I need this for?’ I also find hairbrushes, razors, deodorant, vegetables and strenuous exercise completely unnecessary on a regular basis. As a result, I often amaze people in my office or on the street who are in awe of my fresh-faced dewy beauty and willowy figure. Well, at least I assume that’s why they halt in their tracks. Then they avert their eyes and their jaws go slack. Some of them even screw up their faces and make this hideous kind of gagging sound; I’m sure it’s just pure jealousy. It’s really quite unappealing; they should follow my beauty regimen and they wouldn’t look so ugly. Then I thought, ‘I could help these poor unenlightened souls reach their true potential!’ I wouldn’t want their faces to freeze like that, after all. Yuckola. Read on to learn the simple elegance of the dead cat beauty secrets; it's not just for those whose natural good looks have been ruined by their deep and unattractive envy of me. No, anyone can benefit from this system!

You, too, can look like Heidi Klum on her best day. It’s super easy! Really, all you need are four simple and easily obtainable things. You might even have them already. Are you ready for your life to change? Okay, then. The first thing you need is a big pair of pliers, or a large-sized crescent wrench. Take them into your bathroom and use them to apply force to the light bulbs until they shatter. Now, take the second item, which is a nightlight, and plug it in. This is mostly so you don’t step on the broken glass, but it’s also useful for the final step in the beauty routine. Lastly, tape over your mirrors with duct tape in whatever color matches your bathroom (I used sort of a mildewy green color) and then tape the mirror from one of your now unneeded makeup compacts right in the middle of the tape. When you get ready to go out in your revamped bathroom, you won’t believe the change! You will look stunning each and every time you glance at yourself. Your skin will be flawless, your clothes always flattering. Not only are you more beautiful than ever before, your primping time will be cut by at least 90%. As an added bonus, the frequency and duration of your bathroom cleaning efforts will be dramatically reduced. And if you require a little more assistance, you can do one of two things: unplug the nightlight, or replace the mirror with one from a dental tool. Or both! And then it's Hello, Gorgeous! No need to thank me: beautifying the earth, one person at a time, is more than enough reward for me.

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