Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Dead Cat Legislative Conscription Act

Gosh, people sure are concerned about our military spending these days! Here I thought cutting all that wasteful funding for mental health services was going to do the trick but I guess we're going to have to dig a little deeper. You have probably seen this article from the New York Times that describes military retirement and health benefits 'social welfare'. I despise the Times for all their lying lies and their complete lack of journalism ethics but was unable to ignore the uproar caused by this piece, and a lucky thing, because it gave me perhaps my most brilliant idea so far! You should read it if you haven't already but basically it says that military retirement benefits are super expensive and and outrageously over-generous! Something has to be done! Check out the comments on the article- they are generally clustered around a couple of excellent points:

1. Veterans are treated abominably and it's appalling that our government thinks nothing of cutting benefits to military members to fund tax credits to, say, Exxon. Or Halliburton. Or whatever they are calling themselves these days. I have a name for them too but this is a (mostly) family friendly blog.

2. If we want to maintain an all volunteer force, we have to be willing to shoulder the cost. Otherwise, let's bring back the draft. With no deferments for the children of rich people and legislators. Of course, in many cases these are the same thing.

I'm not entirely sure what I think about a military draft; I'm an expert in pretty much nothing. Scratch that; EXACTLY nothing. But thinking about it inspired me to come up with the Dead Cat Legislative Conscription Act (DCLCA). Catchy, don't you think? Here's how it works: instead of drafting military members, we raise their pay so none of them have to go on food stamps to feed their families, and give them adequate health care. Then, we draft the legislative branch instead! No more campaign lies, no more corruption scandals, no more politicians owned by corporate American. Can you imagine? Two-year terms, no deferments. Everyone has to take their turn in the barrel. You have to pass a mental health screen for a few disorders: no paranoids, no sociopaths and no hallucinators. All the other conditions are fine. In fact, some of them would probably be beneficial. Like the manics; they would do an awesome job and we need a few more. Obviously, no IQ test is necessary. No drug tests, either. I want to get back to 'By the People, for the People'. And let's face it, some of the people are on drugs. Plus I'm pretty some of the lawmakers we have now are on some serious mind-altering substances. A small stipend, chow hall meals and dorm style housing with shared bathrooms would be provided.

As luck would have it, there will be plenty of suitable space available for this initiative as soon as more appropriate accomodations are made for military members requiring medical care. Walter Reed, for example, would make an EXCELLENT compound for our new senators and congressional representatives. It's totally self-contained and could easily be locked down for when they need a time-out or when lobbyists come sniffing around. And, we've seen how cheap it is to operate! As an added bonus, it's location is convenient to the capitol. I'm on the fence about whether we should require PT for the conscriptees; what do you guys think? It seems like it'd be a waste of time during which they could be busting their asses getting rid of those corporate tax credits, but if the debates turn to hand to hand combat, it would be nice if they all started out on equal footing.

So that's the DCLCA in a nutshell. I think it's a surefire winner, don't you? I welcome your comments and suggestions as I refine my proposal. I realize it might be a tough sell, but I'm no quitter. God bless America, my friends.

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