Wanker List

Is 'wanker' my favorite word? One of my friends was speculating. I think it was sort of an insult, but what can you do, right? I can only say maybe, but only because it has to be. If there weren't so many dang wankers out there, my favorite word would be 'flowing rivers of cab with chocolate trees on the bank', now wouldn't it? That would be way better, believe you me. Do you think I LIKE having to call things 'wanker' all day? I DON'T. But some things just can't be helped, so here's my wanker list for today:

Edwards Air Force Base
State of Missouri
State of Louisiana (a perennial list-topper)
Target

I never thought Missouri would make the list, but there you have it. It has a lot going for it, what with that cool arch, and tons of my awesome friends live there, so it's pretty much a downer to have to put it on the list. And what of Target, you ask? How could our good old pal Target make the list? That red -spotted mecca I dreamed of from Osan while desperately searching the BX for some out of stock sundry? Surely I must have had too much wine, you say? Well, maybe, but no thanks to you, Target wanker! This afternoon I went in there to load up for a pizza party with the family, and carefully chose two bottles of Target's finest. My brother-in-law laughed himself silly when he heard I was trying to buy wine at Target, but they actually have a pretty nice selection.

When I went to the register, I was carded. And let me just say I have reached the legal drinking age. In fact, before too long I will have reached it twice. For identification, I presented my 'retired' status military ID card, which will not scan on their machines. I do this on purpose, because I am opposed to this ubiquitious scanning scam on privacy grounds. Today they want to scan your driver's license for personal information to be stored in their marketing database; tomorrow they're going to install a shunt in your spine so they can just start sucking you dry without even bothering with your debit card. You heard it here first. Didn't you guys ever see Tank Girl? We should all be very afraid. And I don't know why it only has 4.7 stars because it is the MOST FANTASTIC MOVIE EVER. Wankers.

Anyway, I was informed that because my ID wouldn't scan they require two clerks to verify my birth date. I waited patiently while the cashier called for assistance. I was quiet while she flipped her flashing light on. My tolerance started to wane, though, when she walked over to the customer service desk searching for an appropriate staff member to look at my birth date. I guess not all of them are qualifed to calculate my age because she passed about ten of those red shirt and khaki pant clad jokers. But when she asked me to wait while she rang up the person behind me, I couldn't stand it anymore and told her she could keep the wine. She probably needs it more than me anyway, especially when they come after her with the spine shunt. They always start with the employees. Take heed, people: this kind of thing NEVER happens at the thrift store.

Things that annoy me

You know what annoys me? When people put up long detailed rants about what annoys them on their blogs: BORING. The only thing more dreary is listening to someone else's long detailed description of a dream. My dreams, of course, are another story entirely. I just had a really fascinating one about my sister's purse, for example. It must have been defective, though, because there was no dead cat in there.

But I find myself in a decidedly cross sort of place right now, what with not knowing what we're going to be doing about, ummm, anything, and I find myself VERY crochety with a sudden urge to catalog my vexations. And since this is my blog and I can bore you if I want to, here are two from today:

1. The local school district. You may know that I have no intention of sending my kids to school. I have always thought that I am more than capable of screwing them up adequately without any government interference, and so I intend to do exactly that. But my sister doesn't have as much confidence in herself and plans to send one of her kids to kindergarten this fall. So, fine. Except that the school district offers only all day kindergarten at their local elementary, but only has the budget for half-day classes. Their solution to this problem is to CHARGE TUITION to the tune of hundreds of dollars per month. HELLO! How can they even do that?!?!?!?

2. Department of Revenue, State of Louisiana. I am not a fan of Louisiana. This is probably not much of a secret. Every year I have to fill out a Louisiana tax return because unfortunately, we still have a house there and have some paltry rental income with a Louisiana source. You might not know that because Louisiana, unlike the rest of the country, has a bunch of weird laws based on the Napoleanic Code, rendering tax software or other do-it-yourself legal software impossible to use there. As a result I have to fill out there stupid six page form by hand and then re-copy it so it's neat. What am I? In third grade? Or in 1976? Anyway, I got a letter from those clowns that says I miscalculated and that they have corrected our return and surprise! I owe them more money. Their new calculations reduced our net Louisiana income by one dollar. Somehow, in Cajunomics, this translates to an increased tax in the amount of eight dollars. HELLO! How can they even do that?!?!?!?

Wankers! They are all wankers! But now I feel a little better, so ta-ta for now.

Getting Around

I just got done counting up the places we've crashed since we left Osan a couple of months ago. The grand total is nine. I know some of you guys can beat that handily, but probably not in this century, and FOR SURE you didn't have to bring six or eight stuffed frogs along to each stop. Unless you are all WAY weirder than I thought.

For your viewing pleasure, I have put up a few pictures of our latest, and so far, swankiest pad.

The Search for Truth

We’ve been looking for a church lately. Sort of. We don’t know where we’re going to be living, and looking for a good church is really hard work so we don’t want to put in a lot of effort just yet. We always have a hard time- Lloyd and I are both picky but about different things. He likes an old-fashioned type church with hymns instead of contemporary music, and he likes for the building to LOOK like a church. He will not set foot in a metal-sided building that calls itself a church, no matter what. And no overhead video screens; he hates that. I have to have a nice peaceful-feeling place with no yelling and not too much of that ‘greet your neighbor’ crap. I like sermons that teach things about the context of the time and place. And I’m not a fan of fancy rituals, so an Episcopal church is out no matter how much fun their parties are. We agree on only two criteria: the pastor has to be sincere, and we won’t go to a church with a weird name, like ‘Holy Redemption Water of Life’. The warning words are ‘Redemption’, ‘Harvest’, ‘Blood’, ‘Life’ and ‘Water’. Just so you know, if you see any of the red flag words, and the church is in a metal-sided building, stay clear for sure: There are definitely snakes in there. Maybe even more than one kind. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. And of course, it has to have a good program for the kids. Usually we end up with a Baptist or United Methodist church.

Not wanting to try a bunch of new places, because I REALLY hate that, we have been going to the church we went to a long time ago when Lloyd was first stationed here. Some people love going to new churches and even do it for fun, but I loathe it. All that talking to new people who are ridiculously friendly, the not knowing when to sit and when to stand or where the bathroom is, and the worst of all: not having any idea when it’s going to be over. The old church is a pretty long drive, but the kids like it. Lloyd doesn’t like the music but I had no major complaints until this week. I know what to expect, the sermons are interesting, it’s always over on time and the part where you have to say good morning to your neighbor is mercifully short.

So, what’s the problem, right? It’s political. Twice during the service, I heard comments that were clearly meant to disparage any political views contrary to those of the church leadership. A Christian church is supposed to be for everyone, regardless of their political viewpoints. WWJD and all that. I lack the arrogance necessary to act like I know what God thinks, but I am snotty enough to put my opinion on my blog, so here goes: Taking a political position and ascribing it to God is like thinking he cares who wins the Super Bowl, or whether the cartoon is Tom and Jerry or Little Einsteins. GOD DOESN’T CARE, PEOPLE! He doesn’t care if you’re a capitalist or a socialist, a Libertarian, a Democrat or a Republican or anything in between. Capitalism and Democracy are no more sanctioned or directed by God than are the Dallas Cowboys. God doesn’t care about whatever puny systems we set up to govern ourselves. I guess Democracy and Capitalism are marginally better than some other systems that have come and gone, or that operate in other parts of the world, but they are nothing to write home about. We should be trying to create a system where there are no starving children or people dying because they can’t afford or don’t have access to medical care, and where millions of gallons of expensive poison don't destroy delicate and important ecosystems instead of trying to stamp out other ideas in the misguided name of God.

I can barely stop myself from going off on a tear about people who still think that our great white forefathers were destined by God to come to the new world and slaughter the natives in the name of manifest destiny, then exploit the natural resources and less fortunate labor pool in the name of a God-sanctioned political/economic system that fills their pockets. They were chosen by God to rule the world, didn’t you know? So anyone who thinks otherwise is going straight to Hades, and you better vote for the guy that’s going to cut the capital gains tax and those profit-cutting environmental and safety regulations, and then bomb the hell out of anyone who gets in their way, or else don’t come to their church anymore. OKAY BY ME! On second thought, maybe I should check out those nice Episcopalians again. I hear they have the best wine and they're generous with the portions.

Back

I know, I know! I've been gone a lot. But now I'm back. We just got back from a family adventure to Eastern Washington. We stayed at the Sun Lakes Resort near Dry Falls, a spectacular spot to check out some of the most interesting geology on the planet. If you are ever in the area, you should definitely stop.

I can also highly recommend the small town of Ephrata. I'm not really sure what it's known for, but it has at least five thrift stores and two used bookstores right on the main drag. I got some awesome cowboy boots to replace the motorcycle boots I lost in the great Osan mold epidemic and some crystal glasses. Of course, I already have water stains on the boots and one of the glasses broke, but that just means I need to schedule another trip really soon.

And, I was really surprised to see the Wild Horse Wind Farm right off I-90. The turbines are HUGE, taller than the Statue of Liberty. They are still under construction and we saw several trucks hauling one superlong blade each. I used to drive that route a lot but I guess it's been ten years or so since I've been there and I had no idea the wind farm existed. It supplies power to 55,000 homes, isn't that great? I know some people think they're ugly but I thought it was gorgeous.

We are still working on figuring out what we're doing so I might be sporadic for a while. We're moving house sometime this week to another temporary location but are hoping we will have a real plan soon. We are getting a little weary of living out of suitcases but we are big fans of retirement; I don't want to scare anyone off. More soon, I have tons of deep thoughts to share!

Another Letter

I've trotted out another college-era letter. It's below in italics. It doesn't bother me that the letters written by random people ages ago are WAY more popular than my own original creative efforts. At all. Really. Not even the tiniest bit, so don't feel bad.

I have made minimal changes- just the names and I replaced a few letters with asterisks. The spelling and grammar errors are all intact. I think it gives it a more authentic feel, don't you? And, just so you know, the Dopey letter was also unedited. Despite his pot-smoking ways, Dopey made not a single mistake in any of his letters.

Dear Anna,

How are you doing? Today is Kelly's birthday. Yeah. Here's my new address:

Mega Polo Nu
Pullman, WA 99163

Well I'm meeting alot of guys for you. So I definetly think you should go here next semester. We could get a apartment because I'd like to be a live-out from the Polo's just to have a little more privacy. I'm going home tommorrow for surgery. I sure hope they don't put me in a cast. How's your finger? eh. Give me a call or write.

Classes here are really f***ing a** hard. It was funny I went over to Dylans house today to get some money they owe me and semester grades just came out today (I didn't get any grades because if you have 30 credits or more they don't send you grades) anyways Dylan, Brendan, Steve and Steve said Jake got below a 2.00 G.P.A. But when I asked Jake how classes were going he said he was getting 3-B's and 2-C's. I can't believe the guy would lie about that what a dick!!

Oh I wrote Beavis a letter tonight telling him about all the different good looking chicks I've been dating so when you write him you'll have to back up my story. My roomates are pretty cool there names are Millhouse and Bart. Bart is our school's mascot he's the Coug!!

Well, I'll talk to you later write me back. I want to come up and see you. I will if I stay over the weekend. Call me I'll be at home. This weekend or in the hospital.

Love your friend

Butthead

Job

I really love the title 'Job', because it could mean both 'job' like one of those boring things you have to go to every day in order to be able to afford wine so you can go to sleep and get up and do it again the next day only this time with a headache, or it could mean 'Job' like that poor suffering bastard in the Bible who had all those bloody locusts after him all the time.

You probably know that Lloyd recently left the Air Force, and you might also know that we had planned to take a little time off before doing something else. Unfortunately, as it turns out, Lloyd is constitutionally unable to take any time off. Doing nothing drives him CRAZY. Naturally, I have plenty of ideas about things he could do to occupy himself, but they apparently do not meet his criteria for suitable activities. And so, he is looking for a job. And by 'he' I mean 'we'. And I thought it sucked when all I had to do was brush my hair once a week, whether it needed it or not, and go to the OSC coffees, and maybe kiss the COW's butt once in a while.

You might wonder what 'job' and 'Job' might have in common, and since I know some of my military pals might be reading this and dreaming about the day their shackles will be shattered forever, I'll just go ahead and tell you. Finding a real job after an Air Force career is a major undertaking, my friends. Somewhat on the order of being constantly chased by giant swarms of man-eating bugs, say. And let me just preface my less than complimentary comments about the whole ordeal by saying in no way am I sorry that Lloyd retired instead of staying in. NO, SIR.

First off, the good news: there are plenty of jobs out here, despite all the constant gloom and doom from the fear-mongering media. Come on in, the water's fine! BUT (here come the locusts!), every single one of those plentiful jobs requires a carefully and specifically constructed application package. You can't just whomp up a resume and send it out to 8,000 places and wait for the job offers to roll in. For example, jobs with the Federal government are good opportunities for ex-military members. It sounds really easy: just go to the job site and use their online tool to build your resume, and then click 'Apply Online' when you see a vacancy that interests you. What could be simpler, right? So far, every time we've clicked to apply online, we get a nasty gram that tells us we have to go to a different system to apply, like this one or this one, each of them requiring a new account and a new resume. Oh, and don't think you can cut and paste, either: One of them has a very strange list of which punctuation marks are acceptable. On the no-no list? Apostrophes. Don't even think about trying to submit a block of text that contains one, got it?

Oh, and then you have to know which medals you have. I guess some of them are better than others? I dunno, and neither Lloyd nor I have any idea which medals are which. I don't even know what medal I have. I have one, you know. I got it when I worked for the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. I used to wear it, too, until I dropped it in a bin at the $1.39 a pound store and almost lost it forever. People would look at me weird, but what good is a medal if you don't wear it? That's what I always say. Anyway, you might think that list of medals is worthless after you retire, but hang on to it. And make sure it's right. Faking medals is some kind of big deal felony, or so I hear.

I think we are getting the hang of it now, so I feel qualified to offer a little guidance about where to start for my friends who will be retiring soon. Definitely get signed up on the main Federal job site and start getting a resume in. It takes FOREVER, so you might as well start now. Set up searches with auto-notification so you get the listings you want and can see what's out there. Check out clearancejobs.com if you have a security clearance, avcrew.com and avjobs.com for aviation jobs. There are tons more, too. Just get clicking and you will find plenty of vicious locusts to chase you, too! I promise.